Top Ten Things to Say While Leading a Campus Tour

“This is where the Squelch writes top ten lists . . . Hey, what are you doing with that notepad? He’s writing down everything we say!” Self-reference is stupid.
“I cut this glory hole myself.”
“There goes my ex-girlfriend–On three, yell ‘Watch yo’se’f you skanky ho!'”
“Anyone have a map I can look at?”
“For those of you with wooden legs, this is where you get sprayed for sudden oak death.”
“This is the top of the Campanile . . . [2.5 seconds later:] This is the bottom.”
“Now, we’ll be going to my 3:00 class . . .”
“I hid the dead bodies from the last tour group here.”
“Each stop on the tour is a place I got robbed.”
“And this switch shuts off the power to the entire campus.”