Top Ten Things to Say While Leading a Campus Tour

  1. “This is where the Squelch writes top ten lists . . . Hey, what are you doing with that notepad? He’s writing down everything we say!” Self-reference is stupid.
  2. “I cut this glory hole myself.”
  3. “There goes my ex-girlfriend–On three, yell ‘Watch yo’se’f you skanky ho!'”
  4. “Anyone have a map I can look at?”
  5. “For those of you with wooden legs, this is where you get sprayed for sudden oak death.”
  6. “This is the top of the Campanile . . . [2.5 seconds later:] This is the bottom.”
  7. “Now, we’ll be going to my 3:00 class . . .”
  8. “I hid the dead bodies from the last tour group here.”
  9. “Each stop on the tour is a place I got robbed.”
  10. “And this switch shuts off the power to the entire campus.”