- A male wookie
- Robin Williams
- Three ewoks standing on each other’s shoulders
- Shag carpeting
- A throw rug
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- Just tell the little fucker to Google it
- Additional instruction on removing your spiky shoulder pads and unitard
- Exactly as you would do it today, BUT YOU’RE IN THE MATRIX
- What, you’re telling me you don’t know how to use
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- Moving OUT of New Orleans
- Sticking head in easy bake oven
- Throwing self in front of inactive volcano
- Hanging self with bungee cord
- Killing someone else
- Slitting wrists w/ electric razor
- Jumping off large building onto less large building
- OD
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- Cheated on you with your sister … who’s been dead for 15 years
- Spices up sex with strawberries, syrup, and cow brains
- id software keeps asking him to come in for some motion-capture sessions
- Picnic in cemetery on first date,
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- Stuck in the superdome in the rain
- Mushrooms
- When was anyone gonna tell me what an Ethiopian steak was?
- It’s the only thing that goes with this wine
- Took the pet name muffin too far
- Bastard ate your last slice
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- He takes notes when the handicapped students are talking
- Forty year old in the front row still talks too much, but about keeping his thumbs
- Pete Rose is scheduled to be a guest lecturer
- Office hours held in bar at
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- Three words: location, location, it’s a crackhouse
- I don’t know, ask one of the other 19 illegal immigrants
- In the co-op, you’re your own landlord! And maid! And drug dealer! And fuck, this place is a shithole.
- The rat carcasses
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- Never admit you’re wrong, and be immortal
- Use obscure phrases to hoist them by their own petard
- Successfully throw three bean bags through clown’s mouth at Rhetorical Carnival
- Make jazz hands until your opponent
is dazzled
- Liberal use of American
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- Sniff it
- Wish for more wishes
- Aw man, this one’s licorice
- Heal a man’s broken arm by signing
- Donate to low-income magic kindergarten
- Draw animated blinking penis on passed-out roommate’s face
- Accidentally leave cap off, dry up all the magic
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- All your leeches are dead
- Your ears are so stopped up it sounds like the doctor keeps saying “cancer”
- Tums cause you to explode
- Your throat is so sore you don’t even want to eat brains anymore
- It’s autographed
- Ebola-ridden
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