- Cheated on you with your sister … who’s been dead for 15 years
- Spices up sex with strawberries, syrup, and cow brains
- id software keeps asking him to come in for some motion-capture sessions
- Picnic in cemetery on first date,
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- Stuck in the superdome in the rain
- Mushrooms
- When was anyone gonna tell me what an Ethiopian steak was?
- It’s the only thing that goes with this wine
- Took the pet name muffin too far
- Bastard ate your last slice
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- Shit, shit, I’ve really gotta move to an apartment that’s not on benvenue
- Fuck, now there’s two of them, hurry!
-
- Oh thank god, I think we lost him.
- [heavy breathing]
-
- Asking the homeless to … oh shit, he’s
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- Being the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Pretending to be the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Working for the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Playing World of Warcraft with the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Knowing that the name of
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- Mardi Gras
- Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?
- Be all you can be
- Ask your parole officer for advice
- Based itinerary on Oscar-nominated films; only saw Hotel Rwanda
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- He takes notes when the handicapped students are talking
- Forty year old in the front row still talks too much, but about keeping his thumbs
- Pete Rose is scheduled to be a guest lecturer
- Office hours held in bar at
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- Three words: location, location, it’s a crackhouse
- I don’t know, ask one of the other 19 illegal immigrants
- In the co-op, you’re your own landlord! And maid! And drug dealer! And fuck, this place is a shithole.
- The rat carcasses
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- Sniff it
- Wish for more wishes
- Aw man, this one’s licorice
- Heal a man’s broken arm by signing
- Donate to low-income magic kindergarten
- Draw animated blinking penis on passed-out roommate’s face
- Accidentally leave cap off, dry up all the magic
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- Never admit you’re wrong, and be immortal
- Use obscure phrases to hoist them by their own petard
- Successfully throw three bean bags through clown’s mouth at Rhetorical Carnival
- Make jazz hands until your opponent
is dazzled
- Liberal use of American
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- Eggbeater
- Feminism
- Fake drowning and a CPR class
- Fishing pole with baby food on it
- Macgyver
- Specially trained hamster
- Bernoulli’s Principle
- Turkey baster full of chili oil
- Two days, a TLC camera crew, and $1000
- Abstinence and a time machine
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