In a controversial decision, Chancellor Robert Berdahl has announced the dissolution of Berkeley’s Mass Communications Department. Fed up with wasting all those resources on people who just end up becoming housewives and professional cocaine addicts, Berdahl has sent the whole … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Epic Records To Release Campanile’s Greatest Hits
Epic Records has announced the release of the unauthorized “Greatest Hits of the Campanile” album. The two disk set features bootleg recordings of some of the Campanile’s most popular noontime songs. Among those featured are Beethoven’s 9th symphony, St. Augustine’s … Read More
Socialist Workers Organization Suspected Of Disorganization, Unemployment
A pending investigation may reveal that local members of the International Socialist Organization are actually disorganized and unemployed. The group, although capable of staging militant uprisings of anywhere between eight and twelve people, has had no noticeable effect on the … Read More
Spitfire Event To Be Horrific Failure
In what may prove to be the dumbest thing in history, ASUC President Irami Osei-Frimpong set aside in excess of $43,000 for the Spitfire spoken word tour’s visit to UC Berkeley. Though attendance is predicted at somewhere over four, Berkeley … Read More
Star Trek Based Masturbation Plagues EECS
EECS Department heads have released statistics exposing a sharp rise in incidents of Star Trek based masturbation among EECS students. Although cases involving Captain Janeway have dropped 15%, cases involving Seven-of-Nine, Lt. Dax and Jean Luc Picard have risen 18%, … Read More
Rick Starr Named New Spice Girl
A number of reports out of London are saying that Sproul Plaza crooner Rick Starr will join the Spice Girls in time to finish their American tour. The former fivesome that became a foursome after the departure of “Ginger Spice” … Read More
New Retrofit for International House
In conjunction with a massive earthquake retrofitting job, the university is taking steps to ensure that all dormitory rooms in the International House are suicide proof. “The idea has been hanging around for a year or so,” university spokesman Ronald … Read More
New Retrofit For International House
In conjunction with a massive earthquake retrofitting job, the university is taking steps to ensure that all dormitory areas in the International House are suicide-proof. “The idea has been hanging around for a year or so,” university spokesman Ronald Punani … Read More
Daily Cal Changes Motto
The Daily Californian, UC Berkeley’s strangely eerie student-run newspaper, stunned the campus community earlier this week with an unexpected announcement. “We have long called The Daily Californian UC Berkeley’s student-run newspaper,” began the official spokesperson. “After much thought and deliberation, … Read More
Daily Cal Changes Motto
The Daily Californian, UC Berkeley’s strangely eerie student-run newspaper, stunned the campus community earlier this week with an unexpected announcement. “We have long called the Daily Californian UC Berkeley’s student-run newspaper,” began the official spokesperson. “After much thought and deliberation, … Read More
