“Them Cheerios was jumpy,” salamander flash. How about the time he trampled it NOT gonna happen. Is she more unlike the only way to fly or shouldn’t we, at the board dog, that’s worth having some fundip. Will space mobsters … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Congress Duped
Much confusion was generated on the floor of the Senate recently when, after losing a vote on a bill he authored, Majority Leader Trent Lott broke into laughter and triumphantly declared, “Ha! Opposite day!”
“Damn,” one senator commented, “that really … Read More
Daily Cal Columnist Writes Meta-Meta-Column
Daily Cal columnist Jen Price broke new ground recently when she wrote her weekly column about writing about her weekly column. Answering disgruntled letter writers who felt it was cheap and lazy to write columns that simply answered disgruntled letter … Read More
Campus Activists Protest Animal Testing
Members of the campus organization “Viviphagy for Virulence” staged a rally in protest of animal testing in UC Berkeley laboratories last Friday. The group, known for its advocacy of live meat consumption, acted in response to recent revelations of unnecessary … Read More
Magnitude 2.1 Earthquake Rocks Bay Area
An earthquake measuring 2.1 on the Richter Scale struck at approximately 2:27 a.m. yesterday morning, causing twenty two Bay Area residents to wake up. Damage was limited to an empty beer bottle falling on its side in the home of … Read More
Chancellor Needs His Space
In a public statement yesterday, UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert Berdahl addressed the many controversial issues facing the Berkeley campus, calling for students and the community to “just back off for a while and leave me the hell alone.” Added Berdahl, … Read More
Stylish Slogan Sasses Out College Campus
UC Berkeley students were totally sassed out by Chemical Engineering major Jenny Parker last Tuesday, when she sported a t-shirt bearing the slogan “If you don’t want attitude, stop talking to me.”
Students reported that Parker, formerly known as the … Read More
New Drummer for Iron Butterfly
With the mysterious circumstances surrounding their former bassist’s disappearance cleared up, Iron Butterfly has announced that Latin sensation Ricky Martin will be joining the band. While some critics are claiming that the hard rock group is simply riding Martin’s coattails, … Read More
Women for Gore
Many women came away very disappointed from last week’s “Women for Gore” convention. “We wanted to see blood and guts, man, and all we got was a boring guy talking about China. That fucking sucked!” commented one woman. Another added, … Read More
Greeks Service the Community
In an effort to curb the use of guns in violent crimes, Bay Area officials reimplemented the highly successful Toys for Guns” program this week with a slightly different theme. The new program, dubbed “Ass for Guns”, will exchange thirty … Read More
