In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.
“It … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Google Researches New Ways to Invade Privacy
No longer content to just have better access to your personal information than you do, Google is stepping up research into new ways to invade your privacy. The research’s main focus is invading the privacy of your own home.… Read More
Gotham City Inexplicably Approves Clown-Themed Nightclub
In a move described by commentators as “moronic” and “unbelievably short-sighted”, the Gotham City Zoning Board yesterday approved plans for “Punchinello”, a new nightclub with an incredibly ill-conceived clown motif. Construction is to begin next month, defying the very … Read More
Movie Bombs Without Critical Cereal-Box Advertising
Wacky, Sass-Talking Animals, the latest computer-animated children’s film about wacky, sass-talking animals, was a big disappointment at the box office, and the studio knows exactly what went wrong: a lack of advertisements on cereal boxes.
“It was … Read More
SPORTS DESK: You Suck at Beer Pong
Since moving into your fraternity house in late August, you have spent every other night playing beer pong. Unfortunately, due to various factors, including your alleged summer-long abstinence from alcohol, your tolerance for Natty Ice has largely deteriorated. Coupled with … Read More
Protesters Plan Tree-Sitter Sit
In an effort to challenge the University’s strict response to tree-sitters, protesters have recently announced plans to start a tree-sitter sit.
“First the University wanted to remove trees, so we had to protest by sitting in trees. Now the University … Read More
Tree Huggers Don’t Bag It, Millions Perish
According to a joint statement issued by the USDA Forest Service and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, a new virus called Sudden Oak Death is on the rise in the human community. The disease, originating from Western Oak … Read More
Kenya Elects “Power Thirst” New President
KENYA—After months of political unrest and violence due to the contested re-election of incumbent President Mwai Kibaki in the 2008 race against Raila Odinga, the people of Kenya have elected popular College Humor video “Power Thirst” as their president. Though … Read More
80s Retro Fans Funnel Arms to Al-Qaeda
Like many young people these days, John Farndale, 16, loves the culture of the 1980s. But he and his friends have found a new way to express their nostalgia: selling weapons to violent, fundamentalist Islamic militias. “The ‘80s were just … Read More
Jesus Not Ready For Committed Relationship with Area Woman
Local woman Ellen Perry found her religious life shattered last Saturday after it was revealed to her by Jesus Christ that the personal relationship she had developed with Him was shared with almost 1.5 billion other people. Initially, Ms. Perry … Read More
