Last Tuesday, freshman Corey S. O’Malley successfully replaced the last vestiges of his personal identity with school spirit.
O’Malley had spent months transforming himself into a cold husk of a man fed only by the success of the various sports … Read More
This weekend, after ten weeks trapped underground, 33 Chilean miners were finally brought back to the surface, and to the crushing destitution of being a Chilean miner.
“It was the longest vacation of my adult life,” said Victor Gómez, one … Read More
In a press conference last Tuesday, scientists from the Yu-Kavinsky Research Group at UC Berkeley announced that they have successfully created nothing. The research lasted six years and required several million dollars of university funds.
“This is a major breakthrough … Read More
A United Nations humanitarian mission has been deployed to rescue the psyche of Berkeley resident Jim Larsen, after a Saturday midlife crisis devastated his sense of self-worth. The disaster, triggered by a long, hard look in the mirror, has caused … Read More
WASHINGTON–The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill late last Tuesday that provides 1.3 million dollars towards a renovation of the Statue of Liberty. Reconstruction will center around replacing the iconic tablet held in the statue’s left hand with a … Read More
A bewildered-looking Meg Whitman resigned from the gubernatorial race on Monday, citing her recent discovery that Latin-Americans constitute more than a third of the state’s eligible voters. Whitman had expected to handily carry the white vote, ignoring the presence of … Read More
In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.
“It … Read More
CNN is facing steep consequences this week for airing a report which failed to meet the FCC’s mandatory Muslim otherness requirement. During a ten-minute piece on the opening of a halal butcher shop, New York resident and practicing Muslim Mohammed … Read More
Controversial anthropologist George Burris released a new study Friday on the appearance of prehistoric man, advancing a theory that runs counter to Dr. Robert Figerman’s previous anthropological claim that “a Neanderthal dressed in a coat and fedora would be indistinguishable … Read More
In response to recent allegations concerning the sources of an already-dwindling food supply, the Soylent Corporation has released a statement refuting “the heinous claims besmirching our fine and delicious product.”
At the center of the controversy is Soylent Green, the … Read More