Controversial anthropologist George Burris released a new study Friday on the appearance of prehistoric man, advancing a theory that runs counter to Dr. Robert Figerman’s previous anthropological claim that “a Neanderthal dressed in a coat and fedora would be indistinguishable from modern man.” Burris’s report counters that it would not blend in because it would look like a complete douchebag.
“Look,” said Dr. Burris, “Neanderthals may not have had the mental capacity to understand the flow of time, but even they weren’t tacky enough to wear something as passé as a fedora.”
“This paper is not only poorly researched, but rooted in blatant subjectivity,” responded Dr. Figerman, awkwardly fidgeting with his fedora.
Burris’s study goes on to propose that based on genetic predisposition there is no reason that Neanderthals, rather than fedora wearers, should have been subjected to species termination. “Jason Mraz looking shmucks,” he is quoted as saying in an unrelated interview.
Dr. Burris’s new work is a follow up to his 2006 paper: “If Homo Erectus Wore Aviators It Would Look Like an Asshole.”