In response to recent allegations concerning the sources of an already-dwindling food supply, the Soylent Corporation has released a statement refuting “the heinous claims besmirching our fine and delicious product.”
At the center of the controversy is Soylent Green, the latest addition to the Soylent Co. food-like product family, with an ingredient list that includes a high-energy aquatic plankton, Green No. 3 coloring, and absolutely nothing else.
“Soylent Green is not, nor has it ever been, anything but the most nutritious plankton in the oceans, which I assure you were unaffected by the terrible environmental disaster that has ravaged every other inch of this doomed planet,” said Soylent spokesperson Robert Packston. “Oh, and pay no attention to those mysterious trucks leaving our suicide farms. They are completely unrelated.”
These remarks were made in direct response to the charges leveled by Detective Ty Thorn of the New York City Police Department, whose violent outburst Tuesday has corresponded to a noticeable increase in wafer-related rioting, which has in turn corresponded to a noticeable increase in actions taken by the garbage truck riot police.
NYPD Police Chief Brian Hatcher, however, has yet to investigate the validity of Thorn’s claims.
“The character of these ravings is far too hysterical to be taken seriously,” Hatcher stated. “He just did not give a convincing enough performance.”