Cookie Monster’s new Web site, launched earlier this month, has come under harsh scrutiny by online security experts for its excessive reliance on internet “cookies,” files containing information about site users which are downloaded into their computers when visiting the … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Dot Com Fever!!!
In an effort to differentiate itself from its closest competitors, Omnidigi-syscom has changed its name to Neomicro-unitek. Marketing Director and active CE0 Phil Stenata explained, “We want to revolutionize the way people think about a company that delivers high quality … Read More
Guy Writes Newsflash
Squelch writer Matt Holohan wrote a newsflash earlier this afternoon, a nominally humorous tidbit which is already being assailed by critics as worthless postmodernist garbage. Holohan reportedly spent the first paragraph introducing the concept of the newsflash and included a … Read More
Heartbreaker Gets Pacemaker
62-year old “Heartbreaker” Gram Robertson, who provides backup vocals, harmonica and guitar for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, recently acquired a pacemaker after doctors deemed his aged heart unfit to run itself. Ironically, Robertson is known as having a keen … Read More
Powerpoint Lecture Self-destructs
Economics Professor Clair Brown showed up to class yesterday with the hopes of helping college students learn the fundamentals of the effects of foreign trade on GDP. The presentation supposedly included 35 slides ranging from graphs and charts to bullet … Read More
Candidates Debate Real Issues
Presidential candidates George Bush and Al Gore agree on one thing: that claims that they are “both the same” are “absolutely ludicrous” and “really dumb.” In the second round of debates, the candidates decided to stop wasting time on media-hyped … Read More
Homeless Man Conducts Unintentional Hunger Strike
A local homeless man has entered the third day of a hunger strike of undetermined duration. “I will not eat anything at all until I can buy or possibly find some food,” announced street resident Lester Carson to the self-assembled … Read More
Chad Voted Most Popular West African Nation
For Third Year Running
Nigeria, Rwanda, Cameroon, and other West African nations agree, once again, that when it comes to being a hip, down-to-earth, funny, and approachable nation, the one word which comes to everyone’s lips is “Chad.”
Even while the nations around Chad … Read More
Congress Declares Thumb War
In a joint session of Congress this week, both houses moved to declare a “thumb war” on Iraq. Citing numerous violations of the Geneva Convention including “sorta moving up their arm to get better leverage,” Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas) said … Read More
Student Heartbroken After Impersonal Non-Rejection
UC Berkeley sophomore David King remains devastated, one night after a near-encounter with the girl of his secret dreams resulted in one-sided heartbreak. Upon seeing fellow sophomore Emma Sullivan walking hand-in-hand with an as-yet unidentified male companion on Channing Way, … Read More
