Squelch writer Matt Holohan wrote a newsflash earlier this afternoon, a nominally humorous tidbit which is already being assailed by critics as worthless postmodernist garbage. Holohan reportedly spent the first paragraph introducing the concept of the newsflash and included a … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Heartbreaker Gets Pacemaker
62-year old “Heartbreaker” Gram Robertson, who provides backup vocals, harmonica and guitar for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, recently acquired a pacemaker after doctors deemed his aged heart unfit to run itself. Ironically, Robertson is known as having a keen … Read More
Powerpoint Lecture Self-destructs
Economics Professor Clair Brown showed up to class yesterday with the hopes of helping college students learn the fundamentals of the effects of foreign trade on GDP. The presentation supposedly included 35 slides ranging from graphs and charts to bullet … Read More
Playboy Party Joke Falls Flat at Actual Party
A local student’s attempts to win attention and favor at a recent social gathering were marred by his use of one of “Playboy’s Party Jokes.” At a conversational lull, San Francisco State junior Eric Rice recited a drollery he’d carefully … Read More
Breast Cancer Victorious
In Race Against Breast Cancer
Breast Cancer placed first in this year’s annual Race Against Breast Cancer, finishing the 5K course in just under twenty minutes. The deadly disease’s victory came as a stunning upset, as Breast Cancer was expected to place fifth at the … Read More
Cookie Crisp Burglary Ends In Tragedy
Would-be shoplifter Cornelius McCrookins was shot and killed yesterday in a botched attempt to steal a box of Cookie Crisp cereal.
McCrookins had grabbed the cereal and bolted for the door, apparently underestimating the reaction time of the Cookie Cop … Read More
Pan Appeals To Campus Leftists
A recent forum on condemned death row inmate Mumia Abu-Jamal was rocked by the surprise appearance by the boy who refused to grow up, Peter Pan. Pan stood up at the meeting and implored Mumia supporters to drown out the … Read More
Carefully Planned Answering Machine Message Goes Horribly Awry
Although he carefully rehearsed it for at least 45 minutes prior to leaving it, the message which UCB junior Alexander Zimmerman finally left for recently acquainted Sophomore Megan Johanssen was such a mess of malapropisms, ill-timed jokes, and sheer dumb … Read More
Candidates Debate Real Issues
Presidential candidates George Bush and Al Gore agree on one thing: that claims that they are “both the same” are “absolutely ludicrous” and “really dumb.” In the second round of debates, the candidates decided to stop wasting time on media-hyped … Read More
Homeless Man Conducts Unintentional Hunger Strike
A local homeless man has entered the third day of a hunger strike of undetermined duration. “I will not eat anything at all until I can buy or possibly find some food,” announced street resident Lester Carson to the self-assembled … Read More
