Investigators this week officially called off all efforts in the investigation of missing intern Chandra Levy, declaring, “Come on, she’s so dead already. What are we going to find anyway? I’m sure she rotted away months ago, assuming she’s even … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Entire Bag of Bagels Tastes Like Onion Bagels
A 10:00am meeting at Berkeley’s Ecology Law Center was spoiled earlier this week when it was discovered that all thirteen bagels purchased by intern Jenny Fialla tasted like onion. The culprit was allegedly a single onion bagel placed in the … Read More
School Shooting News Template
[City, State]- A student gunman killed [number] and wounded [number] people at a [suburban/urban] [city] high school on [day] before [type of employee] brought him down in a gun battle, police say. Besides the alleged shooter, who authorities identified as … Read More
Pro-Life Rally Blah Blah Blah
Blah blah pro-life demonstration blah blah blah disturbing photographs blah blah controversy blah blah blah.
“Abortion is the really sickening thing, blah blah Jesus blah blah the Bible,” said some pro-life guy.
“Blah blah women’s rights blah blah blah,” said … Read More
Sex Had with Your Mom Last Night
I, along with many others, engaged in sexual intercourse with your mom last night, it was reported today. The reasons behind the incident last night remain unconfirmed, however most experts have attributed it to the fact that your mom is … Read More
Kelloggs Continues Apple Jacks Tradition
Inspired by the success of its nonsensical “It doesn?t taste like apples” Apple Jacks ad campaign, the Kelloggs Marketing Division has announced the release of a brand new cereal which will be pushed by a similar campaign. The new cereal … Read More
Moratorium Issued on Hair Professor Jokes
Citing what it referred to as “a growing trend of unchecked redundancy,” the Berkely Chamber of Commerce issued an indefinite moratorium on all jokes likening “The Hair Professor” to an actual college professor. The measure was endorsed unanimously by the … Read More
Plea of “No Sprouts” Unheeded by Mustachioed Devil-Bitch
Cafe Intermezzo customer Jerome Hill, who really doesn’t deserve this kind of abuse, ordered a sandwich & salad combo today, specifically asking for any and all sprouts to be omitted from both components of his otherwise standard order.
“No sprouts … Read More
Pillsbury Announces Release of “Ready to Eat” Cookies
Pillsbury announced the release of new “Ready to Eat” Cookies this week, the latest product in the company’s successful “Baking for Retards” product line. Unlike previous products such as “Ready to Bake” cookies, which consist or small cubes of dough … Read More
Local Student “Almost Definitely” Leaving Apartment Tomorrow
After nearly 84 consecutive hours spent within the walls of his apartment, student John Patterson will be venturing outside tomorrow, probably. Speaking from his living room couch, behind a haphazard pile of empty soda cans, pizza boxes, and half-eaten packages … Read More
