[City, State]- A student gunman killed [number] and wounded [number] people at a [suburban/urban] [city] high school on [day] before [type of employee] brought him down in a gun battle, police say. Besides the alleged shooter, who authorities identified as … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Pro-Life Rally Blah Blah Blah
Blah blah pro-life demonstration blah blah blah disturbing photographs blah blah controversy blah blah blah.
“Abortion is the really sickening thing, blah blah Jesus blah blah the Bible,” said some pro-life guy.
“Blah blah women’s rights blah blah blah,” said … Read More
Sex Had with Your Mom Last Night
I, along with many others, engaged in sexual intercourse with your mom last night, it was reported today. The reasons behind the incident last night remain unconfirmed, however most experts have attributed it to the fact that your mom is … Read More
Kelloggs Continues Apple Jacks Tradition
Inspired by the success of its nonsensical “It doesn?t taste like apples” Apple Jacks ad campaign, the Kelloggs Marketing Division has announced the release of a brand new cereal which will be pushed by a similar campaign. The new cereal … Read More
Conversation with Homeless Guy Mildly Unsettling
College students Chuck Chichester and Delilah Wright glanced uneasily at each other Friday as their attempt to engage a homeless man in a friendly verbal exchange developed into a full-blown social interaction which threatened to spiral totally out of their … Read More
Nightlife Environmentally Safe
Clubber Hugo Siriani disturbed patrons of a southern Florida dance club last week when he entered a club wearing vinyl pants and a fishnet shirt. Siriani had been spotted throughout the week sporting the revealing white fishnet shirt over his … Read More
Plea of “No Sprouts” Unheeded by Mustachioed Devil-Bitch
Cafe Intermezzo customer Jerome Hill, who really doesn’t deserve this kind of abuse, ordered a sandwich & salad combo today, specifically asking for any and all sprouts to be omitted from both components of his otherwise standard order.
“No sprouts … Read More
Pillsbury Announces Release of “Ready to Eat” Cookies
Pillsbury announced the release of new “Ready to Eat” Cookies this week, the latest product in the company’s successful “Baking for Retards” product line. Unlike previous products such as “Ready to Bake” cookies, which consist or small cubes of dough … Read More
Local Student “Almost Definitely” Leaving Apartment Tomorrow
After nearly 84 consecutive hours spent within the walls of his apartment, student John Patterson will be venturing outside tomorrow, probably. Speaking from his living room couch, behind a haphazard pile of empty soda cans, pizza boxes, and half-eaten packages … Read More
Protestors Frustrated by Police Civility
A large group of organized protestors who had blocked access to a major campus building yesterday found themselves all but ignored by friendly UC police officers. The protest continued well into the night, until protestors got kind of bored, decided … Read More
