The Berkeley Art Museum hosted an exhibit by famed floral painter Georgia O’Keeffe, much to the delight of many patrons.
“It was amazing,” said musem goer Lance McCrory. “Her work is so realistic. I felt like I was walking through … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
World Wars “Always Planned as Trilogy”
According to Internet fansites, the U.S. is reportedly in talks with the U.N. trying to generate interest in a third installment of the popular “World War” franchise. “World War I and World War II were far and away the best … Read More
Chandra Levy Status Upgraded from “Missing” to “So Dead Already”
Investigators this week officially called off all efforts in the investigation of missing intern Chandra Levy, declaring, “Come on, she’s so dead already. What are we going to find anyway? I’m sure she rotted away months ago, assuming she’s even … Read More
Entire Bag of Bagels Tastes Like Onion Bagels
A 10:00am meeting at Berkeley’s Ecology Law Center was spoiled earlier this week when it was discovered that all thirteen bagels purchased by intern Jenny Fialla tasted like onion. The culprit was allegedly a single onion bagel placed in the … Read More
School Shooting News Template
[City, State]- A student gunman killed [number] and wounded [number] people at a [suburban/urban] [city] high school on [day] before [type of employee] brought him down in a gun battle, police say. Besides the alleged shooter, who authorities identified as … Read More
Pro-Life Rally Blah Blah Blah
Blah blah pro-life demonstration blah blah blah disturbing photographs blah blah controversy blah blah blah.
“Abortion is the really sickening thing, blah blah Jesus blah blah the Bible,” said some pro-life guy.
“Blah blah women’s rights blah blah blah,” said … Read More
Telemarketer Disturbed by Strange Acronyms
A prospective customer thoroughly disturbed telemarketer Lester Martin of Discover Credit Cards with his unsettling acronyms. Lester, who cordially greeted the customer, made friendly banter and eventually convinced the man to apply for a Platinum Discover card with complimentary T-shirt.… Read More
Moratorium Issued on Hair Professor Jokes
Citing what it referred to as “a growing trend of unchecked redundancy,” the Berkely Chamber of Commerce issued an indefinite moratorium on all jokes likening “The Hair Professor” to an actual college professor. The measure was endorsed unanimously by the … Read More
Plea of “No Sprouts” Unheeded by Mustachioed Devil-Bitch
Cafe Intermezzo customer Jerome Hill, who really doesn’t deserve this kind of abuse, ordered a sandwich & salad combo today, specifically asking for any and all sprouts to be omitted from both components of his otherwise standard order.
“No sprouts … Read More
Pillsbury Announces Release of “Ready to Eat” Cookies
Pillsbury announced the release of new “Ready to Eat” Cookies this week, the latest product in the company’s successful “Baking for Retards” product line. Unlike previous products such as “Ready to Bake” cookies, which consist or small cubes of dough … Read More
