Local Student “Almost Definitely” Leaving Apartment Tomorrow

After nearly 84 consecutive hours spent within the walls of his apartment, student John Patterson will be venturing outside tomorrow, probably. Speaking from his living room couch, behind a haphazard pile of empty soda cans, pizza boxes, and half-eaten packages of uncooked Ramen noodles, Patterson revealed he had “pretty much decided” to attend the next day’s Psychology 130 discussion.

“I know I’ve been in kind of a slump,” said Patterson, stroking the four day’s worth of stubble on his chin. “But I’m mostly caught up with the reading now, and I bet I can get the notes when I run into Steve, as long as I manage to wake up before noon. And find some clean clothes, too,” he continued, glancing down at his sweatpants and dingy T-shirt.

“Even if I don’t make it to section, I’m definitely going to shower tomorrow,” Patterson concluded. “At least, I’m fairly sure I will.”