“Productive” Weekend Actually Weekend of Video Games, Porn

Despite a repeatedly stated intention to use the upcoming weekend to “catch up on reading and finally clean up around the apartment,” Berkeley student Edward Linney in fact spent the majority of the weekend playing Tokyo Extreme Racer on his roommate’s Sega Dreamcast and viewing sexually suggestive pictures of naked women on the Internet. Linney’s friends expressed surprise that he had not met his goal.

“All week he’s been saying how this weekend was going to change everything,” said classmate Alyna Louis. “He even told me specifically that he wouldn’t be able to hang out Saturday, because he’d be too busy reading.”

“I really intended to be productive,” Linney insisted in a recent public statement, which sought to explain the failure of his plans. He described how after getting a bit of a late start after sleeping in, he had indulged in what he expected would be a brief session of video gaming, which turned out to last for four hours. He then resolved to begin his work immediately after checking e-mail, an online activity which spiraled into an unsatisfying three-hour search for decent porn. Linney blamed the unnecessarily long time spent searching on the frustrating ubiquity of thumbnailed pictures which were actually blind links to other sites.

In light of these setbacks, Linney claims to have learned his lesson. Roommates, however, remain skeptical.