I, along with many others, engaged in sexual intercourse with your mom last night, it was reported today. The reasons behind the incident last night remain unconfirmed, however most experts have attributed it to the fact that your mom is a total whore.
You reportedly found the suggestion repulsive and even insulting upon contemplating its implications, which were that the very breasts upon which you suckled as an infant were licked, sucked, and squeezed by me, the very vagina through which you were given birth was filled with my erect penis, and the very lips which used to kiss you goodnight as you were tucked into bed were drenched with my semen, all as recently as last night.
Upon finishing with me, your mom engaged in intercourse with five other men who had been waiting patiently for their turn. None of these men were your father, or your mother’s current spouse.
Your mom could not be reached for comment. Her representative, you, stated, “These allegations are malicious and totally false. Furthermore, your mom, not mine, is a whore.”