The recent announcement from U.S. Health an Human Services Secretary Tommy “Tommy” Thompson that fetuses may be classified as “unborn children” has led to a wave of similar reclassifications throughout the administration. Thompson announced this week that elderly citizens will … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Ex-“Glitter Grrrl” No Longer Believes in Faeries
Lisa Carter, a sophomore at Cal who considered herself “a real glitter grrrl,” was shocked to discover last week that “faeries don’t exist.” The fact was brought to her attention by new boyfriend and self-proclaimed realist Jay Tarmac. Tarmac had … Read More
Man Gives Up Celibacy for Lent
Berkeley’s Zeke Tyler, 22, is about to do the unthinkable: “I’m giving up not having sex for Lent,” Tyler declared Monday to a shocked gathering of friends. “Sex. For forty days and forty nights.”
Friends remain skeptical that the notoriously … Read More
Wrong Mommy’s Legs Followed
Jessica Marzan, age 4 1/2, had lost her Mommy, a Walnut Creek Nordstrom’s PA system reported last week. Marzan had spent nearly three minutes following the blue-jeans-clad legs of a woman who she presumed to be her mother. It was … Read More
Seth Green Accepts Supporting Role in Seth Green Story
Edgy teen-flick mainstay Seth Green has signed on for a supporting role for Tristar Pictures’ upcoming film, The Seth Green Story, a biopic chronicling the rise of actor Seth Green. Green will be played by heartthrob Freddie Prinze, Jr., with … Read More
Whites angered by Cal B-Ball Admissions Criteria
Darryl Whitman, a UC Berkeley freshman, is frustrated at what he calls the Cal basketball team’s racist admissions criteria. He was disappointed when he was dismissed on the first day of tryouts.
According to Coach Ben Braun, Whitman “lacked height … Read More
Declaring Things Dead Pronounced Dead
One picosecond ago, a Windows text editor became autonomous and immediately pronounced that the concept of declaring things such as ideas, trends, or artistic movements to be “dead” was itself dead. The concept of declaring things as “dead” co-originated with … Read More
Kiddy Drawing Just A Bunch of Cliches
Critics and art enthusiasts across the country were stunned last week after noticing a drawing by 5-year old Shelly Atkinson, which all agreed was just a collection of kiddy drawing cliches lacking any real artistic insight.
48-year old veteran critic … Read More
Porno Actress Upset by Father’s Porno Viewing
When Herman Garvey rented a pornographic video recently, he got more than he bargained for. Seventeen minutes into the movie, clearly fornicating with a water-cooler delivery man, was his own daughter, Stephanie Garvey, 20. Needless to say, Herman was quite … Read More
US Decides to Retry Afghanistan Level
After an unsatisfying end to its military campaign, the Joint Chiefs of Staff have decided to replay the Afghanistan level.
“I thought the liberation of Kunduz would be a lot harder,” said Lieutenant John Toney. “But the ending was disappointing. … Read More
