After months of internal debate, freshman Julia Anderson was ecstatic with her purchase of a simple, casual purse last Friday. “I can put the strap over my shoulder…right here,” she said as she positioned the strap, “So you can see … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Berdahl Chokes on Hacky Sack
After a successful recovery from prostate cancer last spring, UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert M. Berdahl suffered a major setback when he choked on a Hacky Sack while playing with his compatriots outside the University House.
Medics rushed to the scene … Read More
You Need to Apply Yourself, Study Finds
Results of a study conducted by researchers at the University of California at Berkeley have revealed the need, by you, to apply yourself. As a strong indicator of this need, the study cites recent slacking and an unexpected drop in … Read More
African AIDS Orphans Give to Charitable Cause
Following the lead of many Americans, African orphans who have lost both parents to AIDS have been donating the money raised for them to children of victims killed in the attacks of September 11th. Like many Americans who never considered … Read More
Gag Gift Leads to Queer Consequences
UC Berkeley students Jeff Conway and Tad Johaneston were shocked last week
when they discovered that a gag birthday gift had backfired in a most unexpected
fashion. Earlier in the week the friends had purchased a pair of jeans from… Read More
Guy With Nut Allergy Has Trouble Selling Nut Allergy Movie Idea
Bay Area paralegal and nut allergic Nathan Tholom continues to be frustrated by the lack of interest in his idea for a movie centering around nut allergies.
“It would be about this guy, who’s allergic to nuts,” explained Tholom to … Read More
Jesus-Themed Bong Remains Unsold
It seems safe to say that none of the toke-addled, black-clad, sore-assed clientele of Pat’s Puff Palace are getting high on Jesus. Store owner Patrick Uter’s problem is that they won’t get high with God– by buying one of his … Read More
Pants-Related News Stories Skyrocket
A spate of high-profile news stories related to pants has many wondering if the phenomenon is not indicative of a larger trend. From difficulties coordinating undergarments with fashionable pants to worldwide pants conspiracies to eerie supernatural incidents, pants have dominated … Read More
International Investigation Unearths Denim Underground
Levi Strauss & Co., in conjunction with other denim manufacturers, has concocted a diabolical secret network with ultimate long-term goals set on world domination, investigators found Tuesday. The plot, the likes of which the world has never before seen, calls … Read More
M. Night Shyamalan Reveals Plot Twist
In a special sneak preview for selected media outlets, M. Night Shyamalan, hit director of such films as The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs, issued top secret information about his next project. “It’s going to be really slow-paced … Read More
