In an unprecedented move, the Pulitzer committee awarded UC Berkeley student Brooke S. Eliot the Pulitzer Prize for Bitchiness last week. While this award typically goes to the most obnoxious literary critic in the world, the committee decided to grant … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Roommate Impersonated on Instant Messenger
Berkeley student Roger Haines fraudulently represented himself as roommate Thomas Marx by writing messages using Marx’s AOL Instant Messenger screen name, sources reported Tuesday. Haines claims that he was merely using his roommate’s computer to print a document, and the … Read More
Class Stalls for <i>Fight Club</i> Rant
Productive class discussion was brought to a grinding halt in 4 Le Conte Thursday afternoon when sophomore Brian Eckerson interjected a diatribe on the merits of the movie Fight Club into a lecture on the novel Great Expectations, by Charles … Read More
Girl Buys Single-Strap Bag to Make Boobs More Defined
After months of internal debate, freshman Julia Anderson was ecstatic with her purchase of a simple, casual purse last Friday. “I can put the strap over my shoulder…right here,” she said as she positioned the strap, “So you can see … Read More
M. Night Shyamalan Reveals Plot Twist
In a special sneak preview for selected media outlets, M. Night Shyamalan, hit director of such films as The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs, issued top secret information about his next project. “It’s going to be really slow-paced … Read More
Low-Rise Thong Not Low Enough
Claire Mitchell, a graphic designer in Newport Beach, California, has stated that she regrets spending $8.50 on a low-rise thong that was still visible above the waistline of her new Superlow Levi’s. “I was so excited to be able to … Read More
Diff’rent Strokes Diff’cult to Watch
Bay area resident and confessed _Diff’rent Strokes _memorabilia
collector Darrin Chameny finds watching episodes of the the show “very
tiring”. “I own every D’ Strokes shirt from the original 1978
marketing campaign.” remarks Chameny, who grew up avidly watching the… Read More
Gag Gift Leads to Queer Consequences
UC Berkeley students Jeff Conway and Tad Johaneston were shocked last week
when they discovered that a gag birthday gift had backfired in a most unexpected
fashion. Earlier in the week the friends had purchased a pair of jeans from… Read More
Guy With Nut Allergy Has Trouble Selling Nut Allergy Movie Idea
Bay Area paralegal and nut allergic Nathan Tholom continues to be frustrated by the lack of interest in his idea for a movie centering around nut allergies.
“It would be about this guy, who’s allergic to nuts,” explained Tholom to … Read More
Jesus-Themed Bong Remains Unsold
It seems safe to say that none of the toke-addled, black-clad, sore-assed clientele of Pat’s Puff Palace are getting high on Jesus. Store owner Patrick Uter’s problem is that they won’t get high with God– by buying one of his … Read More
