After losing business every night of the week to other Southside bars that offer cheap drinks in large quantities to college students, self-described “American Pub and Grill,” Raleigh’s, has announced their new binge-drinking theme night, “Come Drink a lot at … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Survey Results Released
In a recent study of humor, Berkeley researchers found that the average American would describe the Holocaust’s comedic value as “not all that funny.”
“Six million is a whole lotta Jews,” remarked study organizer Isaac Browne.
Other phenomena that earned … Read More
Iraq Imposes Sanctions on U.S.
Last week saw a drastic turn of events in the tenuous Iraqi situation. Iraqi President Saddam Hussein announced last Thursday that Iraq will begin to impose economic sanctions on what he described as the “Fulcrum of Evil.” In a speech … Read More
Morissette Single Reaches New Levels of Meta-Irony
The Alanis Morissette song “Ironic” finally achieved the twenty third level of recursive meta-irony this week when local grad student Josh Greenberg purchased the song after a discussion with his thesis advisor. While Greenberg’s decision to purchase the single in … Read More
Male Nipple Has Use
Millenia of evolution were overcome on Tuesday, when Sophomore Matt Bausch’s usually pointless male nipples produced a drop of milk. The drop of milk, high in calcium and undoubtedly nourishing to a newborn child, squeezed forth during a basketball game … Read More
Criminal Element to Help Revitalize Economy
In a stunning move that senior White House correspondent James Wellton could only describe as “stunning,” the Bush administration turned to the “dredges of the earth” to help stimulate the lackluster economy of recent months.
“I ask you, the criminal … Read More
Ludwig’s Fountain Filled With Bubbles
Yeah, ’cause that’s really fucking cool. Oh wow. Bubbles. Wow. Never seen that before. Whoop-dee-freakin’-doo.… Read More
Girl in Poetry Class Given Pulitzer Prize for Bitchiness
In an unprecedented move, the Pulitzer committee awarded UC Berkeley student Brooke S. Eliot the Pulitzer Prize for Bitchiness last week. While this award typically goes to the most obnoxious literary critic in the world, the committee decided to grant … Read More
Roommate Impersonated on Instant Messenger
Berkeley student Roger Haines fraudulently represented himself as roommate Thomas Marx by writing messages using Marx’s AOL Instant Messenger screen name, sources reported Tuesday. Haines claims that he was merely using his roommate’s computer to print a document, and the … Read More
Class Stalls for <i>Fight Club</i> Rant
Productive class discussion was brought to a grinding halt in 4 Le Conte Thursday afternoon when sophomore Brian Eckerson interjected a diatribe on the merits of the movie Fight Club into a lecture on the novel Great Expectations, by Charles … Read More
