On Wednesday evening, shortly after consuming his fourth banana of the day, Cal junior Bryan Dempsey opened a bottle of Snapple only to find the short but harrowing factoid “Eating bananas makes you more attractive to mosquitoes” staring up at … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
R&B Lyrics Too Implicit For Middle Schoolers
“Pony,” the breakthrough hit from R&B star Ginuwine, was barred from all future play at Willard Middle School dances after school officials declared the song’s lyrics to be too tame for the student body.
“‘Send chills up and down your … Read More
Class Held Outside
English GSI Kristine Broughton decided to hold class outside on the grass yesterday, betraying a complete lack of basic knowledge about meterology, human physiology, women’s studies, and plant biology.
‘It’s such a nice day out,’ Broughton reportedly said, ‘lets do … Read More
Daily Cal Announces New Advertising Policy
In response to the constant littering by Berkeley students, The Daily Californian has announced a new advertising policy.
“In the future, instead of placing advertising inserts within the Daily Cal, now we’re just going to dump a big pile of … Read More
Radical DJs Protest No Spin Zone
Spurred on by the enormous success of humorist Al Franken’s GOP-bashing bestseller Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, an impassioned throng of extreme-left disc jockeys gathered Saturday outside the Long Island residence of Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly … Read More
Famous Professor Bad at Teaching
Recent reports indicate that that one teacher, you know, that one that is really famous, is not a very good teacher. These reports come hot on the trail of accusations that he just rambles a lot and doesn’t lay things … Read More
Nader Kills 30, Still a Good Person
Lifelong consumer advocate and former Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader opened fire on a group of unarmed shoppers Friday at a Wal-Mart near his home in Pasadena, California.
“It was a horrible tragedy,” reported one unhurt bystander. “My first … Read More
President to Dress Like Ninja
In an effort to bolster sagging public approval ratings, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today that President Bush would be delivering his upcoming State of the Union address in the costume of the Japanese silent assassin, the “ninja.”… Read More
Tree in Forest Falls on Airhorn
In a serene forest located astride a majestic mountain range, a mighty elm was felled with nary a man in sight. However, the elm fell atop a conspicuously-placed airhorn, providing answers to many a timeless Buddhist koan.
A Zen Buddhist … Read More
Man Unable to Find Prostitute With Heart of Gold
Haas graduate student Matt Clark, 24, has failed in his recent efforts to find a prostitute with a heart of gold. “I’ve always been a bit of a workaholic, so naturally I thought a streetwise prostitute with an independent spirit … Read More
