Man Unable to Find Prostitute With Heart of Gold

Haas graduate student Matt Clark, 24, has failed in his recent efforts to find a prostitute with a heart of gold. “I’ve always been a bit of a workaholic, so naturally I thought a streetwise prostitute with an independent spirit could challenge my no-nonsense business-minded approach to life,” explained Clark. “I also hoped hilarity would ensue.”

But his many attempts to find such a woman have all ended in failure. The first lady of the evening he solicited, Staci Hernandez-Liu, was unable to offer any worthwhile advice about his life or career, though Mrs. Liu was able to describe in great detail the relative merits of many local methadone clinics, and appeared rather well versed in local statutes regarding public urination. He had even less luck with his next paid-escort, Rayleen Marshall, who used a taser to render Clark unconscious before stealing his wallet and several of his gold fillings. Clark briefly wondered if this was merely a form of tough love to teach him the meaninglessness of his material goods, but he later rejected this notion after finding several hundred dollars worth of fishnet stockings charged to his credit card.

He then mournfully hummed a few bars of “Uptown Girls” by Billy Joel as he trudged down an empty street.