Berkeley scientists recently developed an experimental time travel device, and to test its effectiveness they’ve created a “Study Abroad in Time” program. In this program, students volunteer to spend a semester studying at Berkeley in the future and report on … Read More
Tag Archives: Matt Holohan
Breast Cancer Victorious
In Race Against Breast Cancer
Breast Cancer placed first in this year’s annual Race Against Breast Cancer, finishing the 5K course in just under twenty minutes. The deadly disease’s victory came as a stunning upset, as Breast Cancer was expected to place fifth at the … Read More
Guy Writes Newsflash
Squelch writer Matt Holohan wrote a newsflash earlier this afternoon, a nominally humorous tidbit which is already being assailed by critics as worthless postmodernist garbage. Holohan reportedly spent the first paragraph introducing the concept of the newsflash and included a … Read More
Dozen Doesn’t Do It
Every day, millions of donut shops, flower boutiques and other purveyors of goods sold in multiples of twelve are plagued with a crippling linguistic inefficiency, tacking on countless wasted seconds to daily transactions. This squandering of time and energy is … Read More
Eric Roberts Zinged by Grandpa
At a recent family reunion, B-movie superstar Eric Roberts really got the business. The commotion allegedly began after the roll basket was passed around. Eric eagerly yet thoughtlessly grabbed a roll after being offered one by an unidentified relative. As … Read More
Voters Turn Out in Support of Candy, Breasts
With this year’s ASUC elections showing another successful campaign for the Student Action Party, it’s clear that Berkeley voters are still showing strong support for free candy and attractive breasts. Said one Student Action supporter, “Dude, these guys have little … Read More
Words from the Top
A Place of Many Evils
There are many abortions of environmental design on the Berkeley campus. It’s common to hear people complain of the labyrinthine halls of Dwinelle, the threateningly phallic Campanile, the strange dog-shape of Wurster, and Evans Hall’s general funk ugliness. While all … Read More
NASA Streamlines Operations
In the wake of two horrific and costly failures involving the exploration of Mars, NASA officials have announced plans to increase the administration’s efficiency by reducing certain intermediary steps in its operations. NASA scientist Hal Melina summed up the plan … Read More
Words from the Top
What it Was, Was Clubbing
Being the great lumbering couch ‘tater that I am, I find myself watching a great deal of alarmist news stories about club kids and their various sinful pleasures. While millions of senile geriatrics were watching these depictions of youthful sexual … Read More
Words from the Top
Damn You, Jimmy Carter
Many people enjoy putting nuts into their mouths. If I did it, it would kill me. I, like an increasing number of Americans and people from other important countries, am deathly allergic to peanuts. While most non-peanut allergics consider this … Read More
