I was in the bathroom at school and I was about to have a cigarette, when it occurred to me that I also needed to change my tampon. It was really cramped in the stall, and I had a tough … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Napsneerg!
or, It’s the Conspiracy, Stupid
It’s February, and we’re all still here. After months of warnings, countless disaster tests, and millions of gallons of emergency water, the Y2K bug was the most overhyped disappointment since The Phantom Menace. Though let down, I don’t blame … Read More
Words from the Top
What it Was, Was Clubbing
Being the great lumbering couch ‘tater that I am, I find myself watching a great deal of alarmist news stories about club kids and their various sinful pleasures. While millions of senile geriatrics were watching these depictions of youthful sexual … Read More
Buster, Get in the Tub
The year 2000 is approaching. And I’ve realized a few things: 1) I need to start looking for a party now if I don’t want to end up at home. 2) I most likely won’t find a party and I’ll … Read More
I’m Really Cool in Private
Attractive girl #l: What the hell is Fred all about? He’s such a enigmatic and fascinating character.
Attractive girl #2: I just wish I could talk to him more, after I’m done talking to him and he’s not there anymore.… Read More
Words from the Top
Damn You, Jimmy Carter
Many people enjoy putting nuts into their mouths. If I did it, it would kill me. I, like an increasing number of Americans and people from other important countries, am deathly allergic to peanuts. While most non-peanut allergics consider this … Read More
Walker
Bearded Ranger
On a recent lonely Saturday night, I found myself watching an episode of CBS’s prime-time action-drama, “Walker: Texas Ranger.” As I watched Chuck Norris use his feet of fury to preserve liberty and justice for white Texans, I was struck … Read More
Short Conversations
“In high school, my teacher got mad; at me for writing a limerick about: Camus’ The Stranger on my desk.”
“Did you shoot her in the face?”
Student: “Mr. Habibi, as former president of Indonesia, how do you see Indonesia’s … Read More
God & Football
I was in my room reading The Enquirer today-yeah, you heard me, wanna make somethin’ of it?-and I came upon a startling article that Mickey Spillane, author of the best-selling Mike Hammer books, is now a Jehovah’s Witness. Apparently, rather … Read More
A Look Back… to the Future
Do you feel left out of the millennium madness? Not quite sure how the world is going to end? Well, I’ve compiled all the prophecies you’ll ever need for the year 2000. (But not for you Jews. You had your … Read More
