Y. Peter,
(Can I call you Y. Peter?) I’ve been waiting a long time to open up about these feelings I’m having. Now is the time for me to declare my undying love for you. Y. Peter, I love you, … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
The Adventures of Ishi, Last of His Tribe
Buying Books
Clerk: OK, Ishi, this comes to $54.35.
Ishi: Can I write you a check?
Clerk: Sure, I just need to see your Cal ID or driver’s license.
Ishi: My Yahi ancestors believe that when a person is photographed, … Read More
Words from the Top
A Place of Many Evils
There are many abortions of environmental design on the Berkeley campus. It’s common to hear people complain of the labyrinthine halls of Dwinelle, the threateningly phallic Campanile, the strange dog-shape of Wurster, and Evans Hall’s general funk ugliness. While all … Read More
Napsneerg!
or, It’s the Conspiracy, Stupid
It’s February, and we’re all still here. After months of warnings, countless disaster tests, and millions of gallons of emergency water, the Y2K bug was the most overhyped disappointment since The Phantom Menace. Though let down, I don’t blame … Read More
Words from the Top
What it Was, Was Clubbing
Being the great lumbering couch ‘tater that I am, I find myself watching a great deal of alarmist news stories about club kids and their various sinful pleasures. While millions of senile geriatrics were watching these depictions of youthful sexual … Read More
horoscopes!
Tired of inaccurate horoscopes? Most astrologers lack the soft funds necessary to truly get in touch with the stars and their many powers. That’s why the Astrology Team here at teen Squelch has collaborated with several wealthy and influential corporations … Read More
Reach Out and Jerk Me Off
Welcome to Cell Phone Users Anonymous. My name’s Patrick, and I bought a cell phone.
Like others here, I told myself that it would never happen to me. Cell phones are for SUV-driving, iMac-using, pretentious yuppie fucks, and I’d sooner … Read More
Viewpoints
Is it important for girls to attend college?
“Only until they find a husband.”
Eunice Tate
Widow
New Haven, CT
“Access to education increases tolerance for people of all races, genders, and lifestyles, and helps society ferret out offensive stereotypes like myself. Therefore, in the interest of the … Read More
Advice For Gullible Schmucks!
<I>Teen! Squelch</I>
“Am I gay?” _
The other day I had a dream that my best friend and I were lesbians. Does this mean I’m gay?_
Yes, it does, and what’s more, you’re an embarrassment and a disgrace to your family. Your … Read More
In Self Defense of Logic
Put quite simply, I am the champion of the weaker argument. There exists a great discrepancy between common opinion and true knowledge. For example, most believe John Lennon to be the superior Beatle. This is by any rational account mere … Read More
