Here at the dawn of a new millennium, it is interesting to contemplate the many changes technology may bring us and to plan ahead. Therefore, I present to you my Tips for Time Travelers.
Always keep an almanac
While it … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Words From the Top
Difficult Boiled
Unlike others who assume the position of Editor-In-Chief of the Heuristic Squelch just for the bragging rights, or for the throngs of cute fans, or even for the opportunity to undermine the revolution, I have a larger goal in mind: … Read More
Holiday Memories
Carving the turkey is my favorite part of Thanksgiving. No, it’s not because I like holding knives or because I like to butcher things. It’s for the cooking aesthetics. The turkey always smells so fresh. Mom uses a special quality … Read More
Scrap!
The time was 11:52. PM. Me and the fellas were heading for the Ragtime after a little soft-shoe over on Main Street when we heard it. Bass. Walking.
“Snap!” I held up my fist and my crew clicked to a … Read More
Words From the Top
A Tad Bit Stupid
There’s something a lot of you are doing wrong, and it’s time you all know about it before your ignorance embarrasses me any further. Let’s start with the basics, with some friendly excerpts from Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary.
tad Function: … Read More
Loving the EECS
It’s Friday night, and you’ve been stood up by the Usual Penis so he can go to a strip club. Your options are limited: watch the Oxygen Network with your roommate, try and find a frat party not full of … Read More
The Daily Californian
Corrections & Clarifications
Our article on Sarvonian Exchange Students incorrectly spelled exchange student Garvoni’s name as “Gabvoni.” Also, there is no such nation as Sarvonia.
Our Tuesday Editorial incorrectly stated “So let’s end this period of tolerance and start a round of pogroms … Read More
Famous Showdowns Throughout History
Athens vs. Sparta
When: 491 B.C. to 412 B.C. However, doubts have recently been cast upon these dates by an excavation in Northern Greece and the fact that I’m just making shit up.
Where: See title of fight, tough guy.… Read More
Killing The Neighbor’s Dog In Five Easy Drafts
For the second time in a week, my lawn has dog poop on it. I will remedy this, the only way I know how.
One
I have heard that chocolate is like poison to dogs. I do have a lot … Read More
Disney Babes
While Disney tries to hide phallic symbols in the back of its cutesy animated features, no one needs to slow down the tape to realize that the Disney princesses are really fucking hot. Think about it: what turns us guys … Read More
