It is the briny deck of the buccaneer galleon, “The Blackart.” The dread Jolly Roger is flying atop the mizzenmast. In the background can be seen the swells of the treacherous deep. A rowboat approaches the vessel and its lone … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
My Date with Ola Ray
My ’63 Convertible slowed to a stop in the eerie woods. There were no streetlights or signs of civilization for miles. You think I was scared? HA! Not with my date in the passenger seat. That night, I wore balls.… Read More
My First Time
The first time I pooped myself, I was 6 hours old. At least that sounds about right. I’m pretty sure that when it happened, it got on both my butt-cheeks and needless to say was a disturbing mess for my … Read More
THE ALPHA MALE!!
Part man, Part lion, and a 100% pure man-lion
Pssst.. Hey loser! I’m talking to you. Yeah, you with the eyebrows and teeth. Let me ask you a question. Do you want to get all the Ladies? Do you want to be that guy who makes out with a … Read More
My Adventure at Berkeley Bowl!
Believe it or not, some cities in this country aren’t as conducive to veganism and politically left-leaning ideals as our great town. Amazingly, in some cities white middle class youth waste their lives going to ovrepriced universities in preparation for … Read More
Restroom Etiquette
Dear Mr. Rothenberg,
It has come to our understanding that, unlike many males your age, you were raised by a pack of wolves.
Unfortunately, at this late age you’ve never learned the proper etiquette for certain ‘masculine-only’ institutions. It’s possible … Read More
Tips For Time Travelers
Here at the dawn of a new millennium, it is interesting to contemplate the many changes technology may bring us and to plan ahead. Therefore, I present to you my Tips for Time Travelers.
Always keep an almanac
While it … Read More
Words From the Top
Difficult Boiled
Unlike others who assume the position of Editor-In-Chief of the Heuristic Squelch just for the bragging rights, or for the throngs of cute fans, or even for the opportunity to undermine the revolution, I have a larger goal in mind: … Read More
Boo Cal Band, Boo
For three football seasons now, I’ve put up with the Slovenian-army uniforms, the hats bought on clearance from Pierre’s Styles of the French Foreign Legion Boutique, and the damned high-stepping as if the entire gridiron were an Afghan minefield on … Read More
Am I Cooler than a Former Sitcom Star?
Whenever I’m feeling down, I like to boost my self-esteem by comparing myself to other people. Perhaps that’s why I like alcoholics, the elderly, and people who play Counterstrike. Recently, however, I chose someone who would prove to be a … Read More
