_Coming from a comfortable home in Orange County, I caught a lot of flak from my family and friends when I decided to attend Berkeley. They were concerned about the “urban environment,” the sub-par buildings, and the other common reservations. … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
King of Berkeley
Reasons I should be your Ruler:
Divine Right
GOD: Kevin, you rule.
KEVIN: I rule? Wow, I rule the town! I am the King! Thanks, God.
GOD: No, no. That wasn’t in the imperative form. I used it in an … Read More
I’m a Liar
It’s not that I’m a liar, it’s just that I’m often tricked into lying. And nothing makes me lie more than conversing in a foreign language. Well, maybe dead whores.
Practicing verbal skills is essential in a foreign language class. … Read More
Hubert, Legacy of a Hobo
I’ve spent the last thirty years of my life studying the dying American institution of the rail-riding, trash-can-raiding, squirrel-eating hobo. I’d never met one in person until I ran into Hubert Johnson Hackensack in Saginaw, Michigan after he darted in … Read More
To Our Loyal Heuristic Squelch Reader:
We would just like take this space to say thank you, because it’s you that makes us the biggest and the best magazine on campus. Because we care about you, we make eight Heuristic Squelch promises that you can always … Read More
Angering God
As I philosophy major, one of the questions I’m often asked is, “Hah hah, good luck getting a job.” Well that’s not a question, asshole. A question would sound something like, “Is there a God? And if there is, explain … Read More
The Oregon Trail
Thank God you people were mostly born in the early to mid 1980’s, or the fleeting moment of time where this game shone would be lost. All of us with crappy elementary school computer labs remember the pride in fording … Read More
Mall Detective
The sun crept into my office like a 550 pound man with no legs. It crawled upward on my Gin bottle GAA Winner’s Cup, because I’m a real Winner–and slowly stopped on my eyes. Behind the eyelids two dozen maraca … Read More
EECS Soccer!
None of us intended to be in the EECS Intermural Soccer Championships. Our only plan was to play a little soccer, lose, then make ironic and funny comments about losing using Monty Python and Comedy Central quotes. Well, Johnny Eighth-floor … Read More
Sow Some Yams Already
Earlier this year I and my team of researchers were granted permission by the government of Brazil to study the Umbato people of the lower basin. Our study would focus mainly on what western civilization could learn from these people … Read More
