There are few living things in this world more controversial, and I say this without hyperbole, than the tomato (Lycopersicon lycopersicum and Lycopersicon esculentum).
It is interesting to note that the tomato’s closest relatives in the plant kingdom … Read More
Welsh Speak-n-Spell Finally, Fisher Price has made a toy that can be enjoyed by dirty Welshmen. This new Speak-n-Spell is a great way for Welsh kids and their no doubt illiterate parents to learn the most insane language ever that’s … Read More
I’ve spent the last thirty years of my life studying the dying American institution of the rail-riding, trash-can-raiding, squirrel-eating hobo. I’d never met one in person until I ran into Hubert Johnson Hackensack in Saginaw, Michigan after he darted in … Read More
We would just like take this space to say thank you, because it’s you that makes us the biggest and the best magazine on campus. Because we care about you, we make eight Heuristic Squelch promises that you can always … Read More
As I philosophy major, one of the questions I’m often asked is, “Hah hah, good luck getting a job.” Well that’s not a question, asshole. A question would sound something like, “Is there a God? And if there is, explain … Read More
Thank God you people were mostly born in the early to mid 1980’s, or the fleeting moment of time where this game shone would be lost. All of us with crappy elementary school computer labs remember the pride in fording … Read More
The sun crept into my office like a 550 pound man with no legs. It crawled upward on my Gin bottle GAA Winner’s Cup, because I’m a real Winner–and slowly stopped on my eyes. Behind the eyelids two dozen maraca … Read More
None of us intended to be in the EECS Intermural Soccer Championships. Our only plan was to play a little soccer, lose, then make ironic and funny comments about losing using Monty Python and Comedy Central quotes. Well, Johnny Eighth-floor … Read More
Earlier this year I and my team of researchers were granted permission by the government of Brazil to study the Umbato people of the lower basin. Our study would focus mainly on what western civilization could learn from these people … Read More
One of the advantages of the Heuristic Squelch as a magazine is the long period of time from when the issue goes to press and when it actually reaches the anxious sweat-drenched and abnormally sticky palms of the student body. … Read More
