Dear posers,
Take off that fucking trucker hat.
I hate all of you wannabe skater punks who think it’s cool to get paid $16K a year to drive across country with only your CB radio and a half gallon of … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
A Berkeley Homecoming
What if all of Berkeley’s heroes came to visit their adoring campus? Well, they’d probably like Top Dog, for starters.
Prologue
STEVE: Hey, you know what’d be awesome? If we got all of our heroes to come to Berkeley.
JOSH:… Read More
Mall Detective
The sun crept into my office like a 550 pound man with no legs. It crawled upward on my Gin bottle GAA Winner’s Cup, because I’m a real Winner–and slowly stopped on my eyes. Behind the eyelids two dozen maraca … Read More
EECS Soccer!
None of us intended to be in the EECS Intermural Soccer Championships. Our only plan was to play a little soccer, lose, then make ironic and funny comments about losing using Monty Python and Comedy Central quotes. Well, Johnny Eighth-floor … Read More
Sow Some Yams Already
Earlier this year I and my team of researchers were granted permission by the government of Brazil to study the Umbato people of the lower basin. Our study would focus mainly on what western civilization could learn from these people … Read More
Words from the Top
Prescience – No, Not the Science Fiction Kind
One of the advantages of the Heuristic Squelch as a magazine is the long period of time from when the issue goes to press and when it actually reaches the anxious sweat-drenched and abnormally sticky palms of the student body. … Read More
Fun Things I Would Do as a Ghost
While being alive and being dead both have their jollies, for jollies nothing beats a state of unbeing twisted between death and life. You can walk through walls, jog through walls, even do a cartwheel through, yes, a wall. Other … Read More
I’m a Liar
It’s not that I’m a liar, it’s just that I’m often tricked into lying. And nothing makes me lie more than conversing in a foreign language. Well, maybe dead whores.
Practicing verbal skills is essential in a foreign language class. … Read More
Hubert, Legacy of a Hobo
I’ve spent the last thirty years of my life studying the dying American institution of the rail-riding, trash-can-raiding, squirrel-eating hobo. I’d never met one in person until I ran into Hubert Johnson Hackensack in Saginaw, Michigan after he darted in … Read More
To Our Loyal Heuristic Squelch Reader:
We would just like take this space to say thank you, because it’s you that makes us the biggest and the best magazine on campus. Because we care about you, we make eight Heuristic Squelch promises that you can always … Read More
