We would just like take this space to say thank you, because it’s you that makes us the biggest and the best magazine on campus. Because we care about you, we make eight Heuristic Squelch promises that you can always trust. That way, you know that what you’re reading is the best, safest, and least infected magazine on campus.
Heuristic Squelch Promise #1
Reading our publication will not hurt your soul. The Daily Californian cannot make this claim.
Heuristic Squelch Promise #2
Our fine magazine never glues bits of broken glass and carpenter’s tacks to its pages. Remember our motto: Jokes, not broken glass.
Heuristic Squelch Promise #3
The Heuristic Squelch can be read in places other than directly in front of the whirling blades of a high-speed tablesaw. The Berkeley Jewish Journal has their policies, and we have ours.
Heuristic Squelch Promise #4
Unlike the California Patriot, we do not print our fine magazine with inks sweetened by the tears of serially abused orphans. That’s the Heuristic Squelch difference.
Heuristic Squelch Promise #5
We do not run articles on the best ways to molest children. Contrast this to the Berkeley Poetry Review’s recent piece entitled “The Ten Hottest Grade Schools in the East Bay, Complete with Directions and Illustrated Maps for Driving There in Your Windowless Rape-Van.”
Heuristic Squelch Promise #6
Creative Editor Matt Loker will personally drink 20 ounces of straight vodka, both during the Wednesday night Squelch meeting and the subsequent writer’s meeting. That’s a promise you can take to the bank.
Heuristic Squelch Promise #7
He will then wake up at 10 in the morning sprawled on the Squelch office couch feeling fine, though a bit confused as to where his keys are. He will briefly consider the possibility that he killed a man just to watch him die and ran his car off a cliff to get rid of the evidence, but then will find his keys in his back pocket. He will let out a nervous laugh, then go to the bathroom to wash the dried blood, so much blood, from his hands.
Heuristic Squelch Promise #8
We will feature a kitten in every issue. This month’s kitty is Se+A|or Silly Boots, pictured above. Show me a kitty and I’ll show you a smile.