The Morning Show, with hosts Johnny Five and the Crazy Horse
Host: Hey, welcome to the morning show. Time right now is 6:32 pm.
Crazy Horse: They call me the Crazy Horse because I’m crazy about… wait, what?
Host: [… Read More
Tag Archives: feature
How I Met My Identical Twin Brother
Most people think that finding a long lost twin would be really cool. But then again most people are complete fucking idiots. Case in point, Mormons.
At My Doorstep
Me: [opens door] Oh my God! You…you look just … Read More
Being a Rich Student Isn’t all that Easy
College students are poor…unless you’re me, then you’re really fucking rich. As a student, I too have to deal with problems, but I cope with them in a different, much wealthier way.
Purchasing Textbooks
You: I stayed up all last … Read More
Which Is More Useful: A Female vs. a 16th Century Map
We’ve all heard the old Bible verse: “Women are about as useful as a sixteenth-century map.” Let’s use science to figure out which one is better.
Map: When used with a sextet, could roughly predict direction for ships to sail … Read More
From the Notebook of Ben Hoffman, Child Anthropologist
Observations. Day 10, Friday
From my outpost in the treehouse above Sandbox 4
The Swing Incident
Timmy claimed that he had counted to thirty, but Bobby knew otherwise. Timmy hadn’t separated his numbers according to the schoolyard’s established precedent. So … Read More
The Many Lives of That Douche
Everyone who’s taken a humanities class knows That Douche. He’s the budding Rousseau in the front row who raises his hand in lecture to spout delightfully insipid pseudo-intellectual drivel. He’s so vociferous with his impromptu philosophizing that we all recognize … Read More
Silver Lining Those Clouds of Death
Your mother’s dead. Sorry, I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that. Regardless, here are some tips for giving bad news so that next time her death won’t be such a buzz-kill.
_Tip #1:
Make it into a … Read More
Last Words of Old People
“In these last moments, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to be surrounded by my family. Except for Linda. Linda’s adopted.”
“Never miss a sunset. Take at least two vacations a year. Always send thank-you notes. I … Read More
Words From the Top
Berkeley Speaks Out
“There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can’t take part; you can’t even passively take part, and you’ve got to put your bodies upon the gears … Read More
Words from The Top
Bullshit Sports
I’ll never be an athlete. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I got picked last in P.E. or anything. I wasn’t the fat kid, or the crutches kid, or the kid with mittens sewn onto his sleeves to create … Read More
