“I need my beauty sleep. Lots and lots of beauty sleep. 40 pills worth of beauty sleep.” -Marylin Monroe
“I have this thing for asian chicks, ya know, because they’re the only ethnicity available on this entire continent.” -Confucius
“I … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Discount Wisdom
Remember when P. Diddy ran all of those “Vote or Die” commercials on MTV during the 2004 election? I think he meant that campaign to be aimed at senior citizens. That’s all they seem to do.
I don’t believe in … Read More
So Now You’re in Purgatory
A Pamphlet
Hello!
Welcome to
Purgatory!
You probably have a lot of questions, for instance:
- Why am I here?
- Who are you?
- Why did you take my shoes?
- And just what is purgatory anyway?
First and foremost, Congratulations on not going to
Words From the Top
The Greatest Inventor
Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.
Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!
Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take … Read More
New Math Department Courses Teach Culture
The UC Berkeley Department of Mathematics today announced its Fall 2006 Schedule of Classes, containing in it some surprising new course offerings. Alongside such bread-and-butter staples as Math 16B: “This Course is Integral to your Future” and Math 113: “I … Read More
Divorce Guide
In the United States divorce has become an epidemic. Look to your left, now look to your right – both of those people are divorced. If you don’t see anyone near you, it’s because you’re divorced. Divorce is a complicated … Read More
My Girlfriend
When you’re as picky as I am, it’s hard to find a girl that shares your interests. Girls that I dated in the past just weren’t into sitting in one position for up to twelve hours, being stared at by … Read More
What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?
Marx participates in the system of collectivist production!
Co-opper: Hey Marx, dinnertime!
Marx: Finally! What are we having?
Co-opper: Tofu and eggplant casserole, fruit we got from Dumpster diving, and some dirt we found in the yard.
Marx: That’s repulsive. … Read More
Urban Myths
Myth: A penny placed on the tracks will derail a train.
Status: False. Trains can only be derailed when an interracial child is born. It’s God’s way of saying no.
Myth: On average, a person eats eight spiders a year.… Read More
Murder! in Five Easy Steps
Put your flared pants back into the closet and shut off that T-mobile Sidekick, because murder is the hot new trend this summer season. In this authoritative guide, we’ll hold your hand from the first time you “inadvertently” push someone … Read More
