When you’re as picky as I am, it’s hard to find a girl that shares your interests. Girls that I dated in the past just weren’t into sitting in one position for up to twelve hours, being stared at by … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?
Marx participates in the system of collectivist production!
Co-opper: Hey Marx, dinnertime!
Marx: Finally! What are we having?
Co-opper: Tofu and eggplant casserole, fruit we got from Dumpster diving, and some dirt we found in the yard.
Marx: That’s repulsive. … Read More
Urban Myths
Myth: A penny placed on the tracks will derail a train.
Status: False. Trains can only be derailed when an interracial child is born. It’s God’s way of saying no.
Myth: On average, a person eats eight spiders a year.… Read More
Kilimanjaro
Thank you all for coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m tired. I’m tired of the stares. I’m tired of the questions. I’m tired of this burden that I bear. It’s finally time to tell you all what happened on Mt. Kilimanjaro … Read More
The Collected Disappointments of James R. Henderson
December 24th, 1960: Found out Santa wasn’t real
I stayed up all night anxiously watching over the cookies and milk I had left for Santa. As soon as I heard a rustle down the chimney, I ran forward to give … Read More
Diary of a Costume Character
I remember when I was growing up, I used to be scared to death of the people in Theme Park costumes. Maybe it was their cold dead plastic eyes. Maybe it was that time a guy dressed as the Tasmanian … Read More
“Lesser Known Quotations”
“I need my beauty sleep. Lots and lots of beauty sleep. 40 pills worth of beauty sleep.” -Marylin Monroe
“I have this thing for asian chicks, ya know, because they’re the only ethnicity available on this entire continent.” -Confucius
“I … Read More
Discount Wisdom
Remember when P. Diddy ran all of those “Vote or Die” commercials on MTV during the 2004 election? I think he meant that campaign to be aimed at senior citizens. That’s all they seem to do.
I don’t believe in … Read More
So Now You’re in Purgatory
A Pamphlet
Hello!
Welcome to
Purgatory!
You probably have a lot of questions, for instance:
- Why am I here?
- Who are you?
- Why did you take my shoes?
- And just what is purgatory anyway?
First and foremost, Congratulations on not going to
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Attn: Harry Berman, Dean
Arthur Horn, Department Chair
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Dear Sirs,
As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and … Read More
