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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 12- Issue 4

My First Time

January 1, 2003

The first time I pooped myself, I was 6 hours old. At least that sounds about right. I’m pretty sure that when it happened, it got on both my butt-cheeks and needless to say was a disturbing mess for my parents. And then once I punched myself in the stomach, that was a first, cause I only did it once. Well, I guess then some might say that it was the last. So what is it, first or the last? In this crazy universe, with all the words to help me express my thoughts, I am still left baffled by the mystery of God himself.

-DF

My first period was a completely bloody, humiliating experience. I should’ve used a comma.

-KD

My first time was nothing like the second time, which wasn’t remotely similar to the third time, but eerily reminiscent of the sixth time. Well, then again, nothing compares to the five thousand six hundred seventy-first time. That was the infamous airplane bathroom incident. As for my first time, I didn’t know what I was doing, but it felt completely natural. I mean, it still feels natural to me, but there’s no way I’ll go back to diapers at this point.

-MS

The first time I realized farting was funny was when I let one rip in kindergarten after my class got out of the pool. Students and teachers alike joined in harmonious laughter for one fleeting moment. Then I noticed my pants were completely soaked and around my ankles. Come to think of it, that’s when I realized small penises were funny, too. Ha Ha Ha. And they still are!

-AB

Giving birth to my first son was a huge ordeal. I opted for a natural childbirth, no anaesthesia, because I’m a hippie or something.

-ZF

They were so very soft and warm. It made me feel cuddly and safe. And what about those nipples? Wow! And that was the first time I slept on a pair of life-size baby bottle pillows. No, that’s not true: I’m talking about boobs.

-DD

I remember the first time someone accused me of being a homophobe. I was very defensive about it. “Look,” I said. “Just because I still call AIDS the Gay Cancer doesn’t mean I hate fags.”

-KB

My first birthday was a disaster for my parents. I had died in childbirth and the anniversary of my death made them weep.

-KD

I remember it was a royal blue one, with pictures of little harmonicas on it. One size fits all. My dad showed me how to put it on, but I was a quick learner. I insisted that I tighten the Windsor Knot by myself. That morning, I strutted proudly into Sunday School, and asserted my maturity while the other boys wore those cheap clipons. It was my first tie. My first time I wore my first tie. I suppose the only difference between my first time and my first tie is the “mmmm” sound. Which is the same sound a harmonica makes! Oh how the world turns. Here, let me tighten that for you.

-MS

I remember the first time I used a font besides Times New Roman. I had finally made my mark on the world. I mustered up the courage to boldly type my eigth grade mitosis essay in Futura. This must be how Neil Armstrong felt when he got his driver’s license, I said to myself. Then that whore Jennifer King one-upped me by using Comic Sans.

-RCB

“So how would you deal with the nuclear threat posed by the Iraqi government?” The debate crowd held its breath and waited for Ty’s response. In this, the first debate ever held for spouses and/or homosexual thespian lovers of presidential candidates, public attention was high. Laura Bush had already given an eloquent defense of the Bush administration’s missile shield proposal. Now, it was up to the greasepainted Ty to respond.

As moderator Dan Rather waited, Ty began to move his hands in an elaborate pantomime. Brokaw nodded appreciatively. “You mean, the US needs to build a metaphorical ‘box’ to ‘trap’ Saddam Hussein in. Of course!” The audience cheered and whistled their approval.

The rest of the debate was a string of triumphs for Ty. America pulling itself out of its recession by yanking an “invisible rope” of patriotic spending drew applause. When he analogized the development of a single-payer health-care system to producing a bouquet of flowers from a seemingly empty sleeve, there was a standing ovation. By the end of the debate, it was clear that America was going to elect its first gay, harlequin-fetishist president, and Ty would be the First Mime.

-SK

The first time I went to a Heuristic Squelch meeting I got free donuts. It was great!

-ZF

Volume 12- Issue 4

A Swashbuckling Scene from the High Seas

January 1, 2003
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It is the briny deck of the buccaneer galleon, “The Blackart.” The dread Jolly Roger is flying atop the mizzenmast. In the background can be seen the swells of the treacherous deep. A rowboat approaches the vessel and its lone passenger is hoisted up along with a heavy trunk. He is a dark pirate, garbed in the full regalia becoming to one such as himself: pantaloons and a gentleman’s cloak, jewels, diamonds, and a fearsome eyepatch. He approaches the captain and speaks.

Dark Pirate: Ahoy! I have returned from the Spice Isles with a wond’rous booty, the likes of which has ne’er been dreamed by a seadog like yourself!

Captain: Is that right? (Chuckles).

DP: How now? If it be not my words that convince ye, let me jewels speak for themselves! (Makes for his trunk).

C: So, you say you’ll be showing me your booty?

DP: Aye! Though I keep it close to me heart. But if ye lay so much as a finger ‘pon it, I’ll strike ye down where ye stand.

C: I see. So let me get this straight, I’m allowed to look at your booty, but I’m not allowed to touch it, right? (He continues chuckling while motioning to some fellow pirates to come take a look).

DP: Aye. (Pause). Why’re ye guffawing like a lusty wench?

C: Oh, no reason. (Chuckles). And you’ve got a big booty?

DP: Bigger’n been seen by the likes of you, ye scurvy shiprats!

C: (Whole pirate gang bursts into muffled laughter. They try to contain themselves but two have difficulty and have to go below decks till they can look at each other without laughing). And it’d probably be safe to say you’ve got lots of junk in the trunk, am I right?

DP: Don’t you be calling me precious cargo “junk” now.

C: No offense. (Snickers into arm. He has to stop looking at Dark Pirate for a minute before finally regaining composure). Do you need some help getting your booty on the floor?

DP: Aye, that would be a kindness. But take care lest you shake me booty.

C: But how will we get your booty on the floor if we can’t shake it? (Whole deck bursts into thunderous laughter). Oh man! You’re classic. Ok, where did you get it? Where did you get your wond’rous booty?

DP: It was easy pickin’, matey. Ya see, I took it from those what have no defenses! I snuck into a ghetto and stole all their greatest treasures. And for that, I am most proud. ‘Tis true, I be proud of me ghetto booty!

Entire ship explodes with the joyous sounds of hooting and hollering as waves of laughter ripple over the entire crew.

Volume 12- Issue 4

Tips For Time Travelers

January 1, 2003
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Here at the dawn of a new millennium, it is interesting to contemplate the many changes technology may bring us and to plan ahead. Therefore, I present to you my Tips for Time Travelers.

Always keep an almanac

While it can tell you a lot about what kind of weather to expect, its main use will be in predicting solar eclipses. This can be used to frighten superstitious townspeople. As a rule of thumb, solar eclipses will always occur moments before you are to be burned at the stake. If no solar eclipses are scheduled for that day, check the book again, it’s probably wrong.

Do not worry about linguistic problems

The 400 years separating us from Shakespeare may make him seem almost unintelligible, but this doesn’t mean he can’t be understood without years of training. First, “you” is only used in the plural sense whereas “thou” and “thee” are the subjective and objective version of “you” singular. Second, pronounce the now silent “e” when at the end of an unvoiced consonant. Third, try to pitch your voice up a couple octaves and talk really slowly like Kenneth Branagh in “Hamlet”.

Time paradoxes can be disorienting, but they should not be a worry

Why? Because they’re paradoxes. By definition they can’t exist. What? Do you think reality would bring something into existence that doesn’t exist? You must be some kind of idiot.

It is very important to bring along essential supplies

Most of these items can be purchased in the 30th century. They include an ALLFood SynthGA$A3 for nutritional needs, a CLEANAir RectifierGA$A3 for dealing with pre-oxygen environments, and a bottle of EVERClear Drink for when you want to get trashed. Some time periods are fucking boring.

Try to keep the timeline pure

This means following the old backpacker’s adage of “Take only pictures, leave only footprints.” Of course, if you’re on the moon during the 600’s, you may not want to leave any footprints either. Actually, you shouldn’t go to the moon during the 600’s anyway, since that was when the moon was all crappy.

Beware of diseases you may be unwittingly carrying back in time

Hanging out with Socrates is cool, but not if he drops dead of tuberculosis. Also, if you want to make love to any prehistoric men or women you may want to take a minute to think about it before you touch those stinky hairy apes, perv.

What if you are a cybernetically enhanced machine from the future sent to the past to protect the present and you accidentally get sent too far back?

There are many ways to pass the time. I have this one friend, Jeff, you can totally crash at his place if you want. Just as long as you’re “cool”, if you know what I mean.

Happy time-hopping!

Volume 12- Issue 4

Ole Timey Signage Not Olde Thimey Enough

January 1, 2003
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In a turn of events that stunned a small beach community, the Stinson Beach Downtown Association condemned shop owner Margaret Feffershim’s exterior signage, claiming it failed to comply with Article 7 of the association’s bylaws. The business under scrutiny was Mrs. Feffershim’s Downtown Antique Shop.

Said Michael Mitchell, president of the SBDA and co-owner of Pappy Mitchell’s Downtown Flamin’ Armadillo BBQ Hoe- Down, “Feffershim flagrantly violates this community’s legislation that states that ‘all businesses in District 12 must achieve an exterior visual quaintness factor of at least 14, as determined by the Stinson Beach Downtown Quaintness League.’ I’d say her shop earned a 6.8, 7 tops.”

The SBDA had been fielding numerous complaints from outraged citizens for months before confronting Feffershim about the scantness of her shop’s exterior. According to disgruntled Stinson Beach local Jean Moore, “The shop just doesn’t fit. There’s no character. Just brick. Where are the ducks pushing carraiges? Where are the cats playing cribbage? Where are the bears wearing tuxedos? That’s the kind of downhomey stuff I like to see.”

In lieu of featuring animals performing human activities, Mitchell said, the SBDQL has asked Feffershim to alter the spelling of her business to Mrs. Feffereshim’s Downetowne Anthyque Shoppe, in addition to making her sign the shape of a jaunty top hat. Continued Mitchell, “Maybe after the change she’ll fit in more with the other shops of the area, like Colonel Beauregard’s Downtown Country Georgia Plantation Venison Grill and Constable Peet’s Downtown Ammunition Surplus and Adult Novelty Gifts.”

Volume 12- Issue 4

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Gynecologist

January 1, 2003
  1. Eureka!
  2. Geez woman, have you ever heard of a bikini wax?
  3. Is this where the stork’s supposed to land?
  4. Are you aroused? It’s okay, you can tell me.
  5. I’ve never seen that color before.
  6. It appears that you have pneumonia.
  7. Your vulva is like my Volvo, it runs mighty smooth.
  8. I don’t know how to say this, but you and I are in the premise of a bad joke.
  9. I just switched from proctology this morning.
  10. Are you circumcised?
Volume 12- Issue 4

Top Ten Things to Do With Five Minutes Left

January 1, 2003
  1. Win a gold medal in the 800 meters at the Special Olympics.
  2. Complete an unsatisfying ab workout.
  3. Wait patiently for the supervillain to explain his detailed plan.
  4. Cut the black wire … No, the yellow wire!
  5. Be a dick and cram in 30 minutes of material.
  6. Mark “C” for all the rest.
  7. Listen to over half a Weezer album.
  8. Don’t come!
  9. Wish for metric time (more seconds).
  10. Panic because now there’s only 3 minutes left.
Volume 12- Issue 4

Top Ten Terrorist Pick-up Lines

January 1, 2003
  1. How ’bout I go and invade your Gaza Strip, baby?
  2. Don’t let the terrorists win has always been my motto, but If you let me buy you a drink, we will all be winning!
  3. I just have to say that your complete lack of exposed flesh is really arousing.
  4. Is that an explosive device in your shoe or are you just happy to see me?
  5. Hi, I’m Osama Bin Laden and I’ve been on American TV! Sweet!
  6. Do you have Al-Qaeda ties? ‘Cause you’ve been terrorizing my heartall night.
  7. This bar doesn’t serve Irish Car Bombs, but I brought two of my own.
  8. You must have an uraniam core, ’cause you’re making me grow a third leg.
  9. Are you mustard gas? ‘Cause your beauty is burning my eyes.
  10. Baby, put away the box cutters cause you’ve hijacked my heart.
Volume 12- Issue 4

Top Ten Things a Frat Boy Would Do With a Time Machine

January 1, 2003
  1. Wish for more wishes.
  2. Break up time machine into small parts; paddle each other with the remnants.
  3. Go back to that day that everybody got totally hammered and gotthe goat on the roof and then we played foosball until Chad got his dick caught in the goal, because that was awesome.
  4. Go back and pledge a better house than Sigma Nu.
  5. Give younger self own ID.
  6. Put the keg on it.
  7. Toga party , sodomy, with Socrates and Plato.
  8. Buy beer when it was a lot cheaper.
  9. Hotbox time machine, lose sense of time, smoke more weed, then go back in time and meet Jesus.
  10. Go back and have breakfast again, because it was really good.
Volume 12- Issue 4

Top Ten Reasons to Get Naked

January 1, 2003
  1. You’re a terrier and dogs look stupid wearing clothes.
  2. Because that shit is hot.
  3. It’s a parade, and you’re showing off your new set of clothes to all yoursubjects.
  4. How else is anyone going to see your cock ring?
  5. Do you want to get into the Haas School of Business or not, youfucking crybaby?
  6. About to take a shower.
  7. To the reduce anxiety of the orator.
  8. It’s the final exam, you haven’t been to class all semester and you’redreaming.
  9. Because I paid for dinner.
  10. Because you’re all out of naked.