After a single viewing of Newlyweds, the MTV reality series chronicling the married life of pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, UC Berkeley sophomore Pete Klein permanently retired his Jessica Simpson masturbatory fantasy, Klein announced Friday.
“She’s still really hot and everything, but dude, that personality really kills it for me,” said a stunned Klein, mere minutes into the Newlyweds episode. “I never thought I’d say that,” Klein noted moments later.
Klein’s fantasy, friends said, involved meeting Simpson backstage, where she and Klein would share an erotic liason so pleasurable that Simpson would invite him to travel in her entourage as a personal sex slave. “Once he saw what it was like to be around her, I think he realized pretty quick that that fantasy was never going to work again,” said Ramon Perez, Klein’s best friend. Added Perez: “That Lachey is a saint. I can’t believe he hasn’t hit her yet.”
While he admitted that the revelation of Simpson’s personality was “tremendously disappointing,” Klein expressed hope that he could formulate a new fantasy that continues to make use of Simpson’s “smoking hot body.”
“You know, it would be more of a spite fuck kind of thing,” Klein explained. “I think I could work with that.”
While being alive and being dead both have their jollies, for jollies nothing beats a state of unbeing twisted between death and life. You can walk through walls, jog through walls, even do a cartwheel through, yes, a wall. Other fun activities:
ME: OOOooooOOOOhhhhhhh!
GRANDCHILD: Great-Grandfather Earl! Why have you returned?
ME: You must avenge my death, young Hortense! Avvvvennnggee meeee!
GRANDCHILD: Of course, Grandfather! How did you die?
ME: Heart attack.
MINISTER: We will never forget Deenihanson’s laughter, his love of life, his charity work.
ME: -In bed!
MINISTER: Everywhere he walked, people would say, “There goes a man dedicated to bettering his community.”
ME: -In bed!
MINISTER: Ghost of Deenihanson, please stop tormenting me with that tired Chinese Fortune Cookie joke. Go join your breathern in the bliss of eternity.
ME: -In bed!
ME: Arise, Jerry Zucker!
JERRY: What? What? Who’s there??
ME: I have seen your movie “GHOST,” Jerry Zucker!
JERRY: Oh lord! It was just a movie! I didn’t mean to offend the afterlife by making a stupid movie with stupid Whoopi Goldberg in it!
ME: No, no, it’s okay. [Pause] I thought she was pretty good in it.
CARDINAL: So there IS a Heavenly Choir, but it’s NOT composed of the souls of just the virtuous.
ME: Warmer… warmer…
CARDINAL: And thus, the Heavenly Choir is actually a subset of…
ME: Hot! Hot!
CARDINAL: …a subset of the larger Love that God has for us all!
ME: Ooh, cold… cold.
MARTINEZ: I don’t know if I can do it. I’m going to…give…up.
ME: NoooooOO! Don’t ever give up! You see, I’m your guardian angel and I’m here to tell you that you’re going to win! God has made it so!
MARTINEZ: Wow, really?! Now I know I can do it![Red Sox win game]
ME: [Later, at bookie’s] Yes! 5 large in the pocket. Guardian angel, my dead ass.
WHORE: No!
ME: But–
WHORE: No!
JOHN EDWARDS: I’m sensing an “M.”
AUDIENCE MEMBER: That’s my dog, Muffy!
ME: Woof! Woof!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh Muffy! John, will you ask Muffy if being hit by a truck was painful?
JOHN EDWARDS: All right Muffy, give me one woof if you suffered, and two woofs if your death was calm and tranquil.
ME: Woof! Woof! Woof!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: What does that mean!? Please, tell me! I miss you so much Muffy!
ME: Meow?
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As the glowing oscillations continually replicated the soft curves of feminine essence in a gently perverted light show, Peterson was moved to epiphany. “When that beautiful gorge repeatedly poured out into infinity in front of me, I finally realized that my computer is as much a representation of myself as a candid photograph. Anyone who sees my computer sees me in a very naked, very true sense.”
“Anyway, we have a very personal connection,” an inspired Peterson added. “That’s why it was telling me to fuck it.”
