Top Ten Things Jesus Would Never Say

  1. “Jesus Christ!”
  2. “I sure love that Paul Reiser.”
  3. [Anything not in Aramaic]
  4. “I still have my foreskin.”
  5. “My dad could beat up your dad.”
  6. “Do you think I look fat in this Batman shirt?”
  7. “And you shall go forth, and they will call you ‘Jesusians’.”
  8. “Peter, you are the rock on which I will build my homosexual church.”
  9. “Paul sure was a douchebag.”
  10. “Happy New Year, 1 B.C.!”