Latest Issue
Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 15- Issue 2

Top Ten Worst Excuses for Cannibalism

October 1, 2005
  1. Stuck in the superdome in the rain
  2. Mushrooms
  3. When was anyone gonna tell me what an Ethiopian steak was?
  4. It’s the only thing that goes with this wine
  5. Took the pet name muffin too far
  6. Bastard ate your last slice of pizza and you wanted it back
  7. Snowed in for five hours
  8. Thought if the murder was crazy enough, you’d get to meet Grissom from CSI
  9. Prove a point to your vegan friends
  10. Accidentally spilled really really delicious barbecue sauce, not on them but still
Volume 15- Issue 2

Top Ten Toilet Training Methods of the Future

October 1, 2005
  1. Just tell the little fucker to Google it
  2. Additional instruction on removing your spiky shoulder pads and unitard
  3. Exactly as you would do it today, BUT YOU’RE IN THE MATRIX
  4. What, you’re telling me you don’t know how to use the three seashells?
  5. Osmosis
  6. New SkyNet toilets train themselves
  7. Being the last man on earth after the apocalypse means you pretty much crap wherever you want
  8. Same little plastic potty, but with blue LEDs
  9. Get the book “Everybody Poops Except Death Cyborgs”
  10. Hover-Ups Training Pants
Volume 15- Issue 2

Top Ten Scheizer Films

October 1, 2005
  1. Stools Rush In
  2. Poop fiction
  3. Jackie Brown
  4. Cool Runnings
  5. The Diarrhea of Anne Frank
  6. Forrest Dump
  7. Duck Poop
  8. Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
  9. Shit Happened One Night
  10. Shitizen Kane
Volume 15- Issue 2

Words from The Top

Bullshit Sports

October 1, 2005

I’ll never be an athlete. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I got picked last in P.E. or anything. I wasn’t the fat kid, or the crutches kid, or the kid with mittens sewn onto his sleeves to create the illusion that he had hands. True they were all stronger and faster than me, but I was normal so I had friends. However, just because I’m no Joe Montana or because the mittens kid kicked my ass every week doesn’t mean I don’t love sports.

I watch and play a lot of intramural sports. I love the adrenaline soaked rush of competition. I love the stirring anthem of victory beating in my breast. I love watching the lesbians tackle each other. And I love the satisfaction of knowing I’ve given 110% in pursuit of the ultimate goal: completely vanquishing my talented, motivated opponents.

Furthermore, I also love to lie harder than a defendant at Nuremburg. I don’t play intramural sports. I’ve never even seen a mural. Okay that was a lie too, but that just proves my point. Playing intramural sports is the gayest possible way for coeds to come into close physical contact with each other. Intramural sports are the dry humping of athletics: all the motions are the same, and the work’s just as hard, but no matter how much effort you put in, you won’t have anything to show for it but sweaty balls.

Even some professional sports are, in fact, bullshit. Bowling? If they serve hotdogs and beer to the players, it’s not a sport. Chess? If Stephen Hawking can beat me at it, it’s not a sport. Baseball? If a forty year old can beat me at it, it’s not a sport. Basketball? If a black guy can beat me at it, it’s not a sport. Murderball? I rest my case.

These so-called “sports” are all bullshit. You want to know a real sport? There are only three: Jai alai, pointing a gun at someone’s feet and shouting “dance,” and the Japanese guy who can lift forty five pounds with his cock. What happens when a game of basketball is over? Everyone goes home. What happens when the guy who lifts stuff with his dick finishes lifting stuff with his dick? Chafing.

Volume 15- Issue 2

US Troops Unaware of Facebook Support

October 1, 2005
,

Despite boasting 96 members, the UCB Facebook group “Support Our Troops” has had little to no discernible effect on the morale of US troops stationed in Iraq. When asked how the support from Berkeley Facebook members was aiding in the war effort, Army Pfc. Jason Gilmore replied “to be honest, I wasn’t aware these guys existed. I mean, it’s cool they joined that group and all, but that doesn’t do a whole lot about these roadside bombs.” Upon completing the interview Gilmore was blown up by an eight year old to whom he was handing candy. Support Our Troops group members responded to the tragedy by poking one another, patriotically.

Volume 15- Issue 2

If Everything in Life was Like Having a Girlfriend

October 1, 2005
,

Doing Yoga

You: Finally, I’ve been looking forward to this all day. Are you ready for some yoga?
Yoga Instructor: You know, it’s been a long day, and I’m really tired…I’m just not in the mood right now. Is that okay?
You: Umm…yeah, yeah, yeah….totally. I mean I can always just do it by myself…I guess. So…how about tomorrow?
Yoga instructor: Yeah…I’m getting my period tomorrow.
You: Oh.

Attending A Housewarming Party

You: Hey Seth, nice place. I brought over a handle of vodka as a housewarming gift. Let’s get this party started!
Seth: Uhh…thanks.
You: What’s the matter?
Seth: Oh, oh…it’s nothing…it’s just that we’ve known each other for six months now, and…you know for your housewarming party I made you that card with a poem I wrote…and it was a lot more effort than just getting me a bottle of vodka.
You: Ohh, I didn’t know it would make you mad, I’m sorry.
Seth: I’m not mad…I’m just, you know, disappointed.

Receiving a Phone Call From Your Mother

[phone ringing]
You: What is that? What time is it? [picks up phone] Hello?
Mom: I hic luuuuuuvvvvvvv youuuuuuuuu! Hic!
You: Mom is that you? Do you know what time it is?
Mom: I miiisss youuuuuu hic soooooo much!
You: Mom, you’re drunk, and it’s two in the morning…I’m going back to sleep.
Mom: [in a sobbing tone] You nevah hic call me anymore. [drops phone, sound of puking in background]

Ordering Chinese Food by Phone

You: …and one order of Mu Shu Pork.
Delivery Guy: Okay, that’ll be $13.20.
You: Okay, thanks.
Delivery Guy: So, goodbye I guess.
You: Goodbye. [awkward pause]
Delivery Guy: No, you hang up first!
You: What?
Delivery Guy: [giggling] Haha, okay, let’s both hang up at the same time. We’ll count to three.
You: I’ll just-
Delivery Guy: One, two thr-
You: [hangs up]

Ordering Food

Waiter: …and so our specials are pecan-crusted catfish, coq au vin, and sauteed scallops in a white wine sauce.
You: Wait, what was that last one?
Watier: You…you never listen to me anymore! I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall!
You: No…I’m sorry, it’s just that-
Waiter: [shouting] I bet you can’t even tell me what the soup of the day is! What’s the soup of the day? [breaks down weeping]

At a Job Interview

You: …that’s pretty much it. So did I get the job?
Interviewer: …actually, we found someone else.
You: [shocked] What do you mean? How could you do that?
Interviewer: [on the verge of tears] I mean…well, neither of us meant for it to happen. It was just this one interview, you know? [staring wistfully into the distance] This one beautiful, magical, perfect interview…
You: [crying] I can’t believe you’d be such a whore!
Interviewer: Hey, hey. I know you’re upset. You’ll always have a place in my company…you know, just in the apst.

Volume 15- Issue 2

Are You There, Mega-Vibe 6000?

It’s Me, Margaret…

October 1, 2005
,

_First Date _
Margaret: …then he said he could never marry me. I guess I’ve been afraid of a serious relationship ever since.

Mega: Bzzzzz. Bzzzzz.

Margaret: Ohh thank you. You’re right, I do deserve better.

Mega: Bzzzz.

Margaret: I’ve had a great time too. I feel like you’ve really gotten to know me. On the inside.

Taking Home to Parents
Dad: He could stand to clean up a little.

Mom: Steven!

Margaret: Dad, you just don’t like him because he’s from Japan.

Mom: Besides, Mega seems nice. He’s fairly quiet, and isn’t abrasive.

Dad: Yeah, but that mother-of-pearl coloring makes him seem way too effeminate.

Margaret: Dad!

[buzzing off in the distance]

Mom: We better get him before he scares the dog.

The Honeymoon
Mega: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZzzzZZZzzzzzzzzzz-
zzzzzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzz

[sound of battery package being opened]

Mega: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-
ZZZZZZZZZZZ

The Affair
Margaret: I’ve found someone else. Someone who makes me feel more… comfortable.

Mega: Bzz…?

Margaret: His name is Magician’s Rabbit. His anal attachment is able to give me something special that you are, well, missing.

Mega: Bzz…!

Margaret: Put down that chair, you’re acting crazy!

[crashing, screaming, then silence]

Mega: Bzz? Bzz? BZZZZZZZZZZ!!

[sobbing]