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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Reasons to Stop Going to That Jewish Strip Club

January 1, 2006
  1. Holocausts you a fortune
  2. Strippers are Jewish women
  3. You didn’t go for a couple of weeks and now every time you go back they ask how come you never visit
  4. Stripper’s name is Crystal Nacht
  5. You’re OPEC and you don’t recognize the existence of strip club
  6. In lieu of lap dances they just lift you up on a chair
  7. First stripper starts off with
  8. You suspect one of the strippers is a Palestinian suicide stripper
  9. Strip club announcer sounds just like your Yiddish grandpa
  10. Jewish strippers snort coke way too fast
Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Lamest Things to Buy With a Million Dollars

January 1, 2006
  1. World’s second best pesto
  2. Training for being upcoming contestant in who wants to be a millionaire
  3. 500k for Elisha Cuthbert blowjob; 500k for guy to knock her teeth out before hand
  4. Paying two dogs to fall in love
  5. Two nights of passion with Ed Begley Jr.
  6. A Segway that works in space
  7. One chick at the same time
  8. The whole world’s pog collection
  9. A KICK-ASS meal plan
  10. A hundred million pennies
Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Other Things That Happen Every Ten Seconds

January 1, 2006
  1. A drag queen hits her penis with a hammer
  2. George bush wonders what the Dukes of Hazard are doing
  3. A gay teenager asks if it’s time to hit the showers
  4. The wish of a white middle class child comes true
  5. 10 girl babies are killed
  6. 20 Chinese babies are born
  7. The number five appears in the time
  8. God kills an Iraqi
  9. A kid turns down marijuana and remains uncool
  10. A drunk driver gets home safely
Volume 15- Issue 4

Top Ten Signs You’ve Rented Second-Rate Sherpas

January 1, 2006
  1. He’s not the sherpa-est knife in the drawer
  2. Wheelchair doesn’t even have mountain tires
  3. Dies while watching a movie about Mt. Everest
  4. Allergic to backpacks
  5. He keeps asking if you need a drywall job done
  6. That’s the third jacket he’s used to make snowmen
  7. Drinking own urine on the top of Mt. Everest, understandable. Drinking own urine on bus ride back home, creepy.
  8. Giggles uncontrollably everytime word sherpa is uttered
  9. Ate the other sherpas a little quickly
  10. Has more sex with the donkey than you’re comfortable with
Volume 15- Issue 6

Top Ten Signs Sex with a Polar Bear Is Going Poorly

January 1, 2006
  1. Safety word “grwerwerwer” sounds lot like signal for fuck me harder “grwerfwere”
  2. You already went black bear and now you can’t go back
  3. Relationship dying due to language bear-ier
  4. “Fuck Buddies” means different things to each of you
  5. Everywhere you try to kiss smells like fish
  6. Apparently you were supposed to use the flare gun to distract him
  7. Already killed and ate most of you
  8. You’re fucking freezing
  9. Everyone in the zoo is staring
  10. You’re a penguin
Volume 15- Issue 4

If The Actors Really Were President

January 1, 2006
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Since the time when that first primeval man first climbed down from the first trees, literally hundreds of years ago, our most beloved actors have depicted the President. But what if roles were switched and the actors really were President…

Harrison Ford

(Air Force One)
Terrorist: Now that we have hijacked Air Force One, you will have to give in to our demands! [Cackles.]
HF: Do we have any smuggling compartments we could hide in?
Aide: Um, no sir, you’re thinking of the Millennium Falcon. That was fictional.
HF: This ain’t like dustin’ crops, kid!
Aide: What?
HF: [Cracks whip; hates snakes.]

Morgan Freeman

(Deep Impact)
NASA Guy: Mr. President, a comet is going to hit the Earth.
MF: Excuse me for a moment.
White House Chef: What would you like for lunch, sir?
MF: Penguins.

John Travolta

(Primary Colors)
Chief of Staff: Eyyyyy, Presidentamundo.
JT: That’s Fonzi, he was played by Henry Winkler.
Chief of Staff: Sit on it, Ralph!
JT: No, seriously, you’re thinking of the Fonz. I was on Welcome Back Kotter.
[Pause.]
Aide: Dyn-o-mite!
JT: Oh come on, that guy was black!

Will Ferrell

(SNL)
Advisor: Sir, the Omnibus Crime Bill has been scored and referred to committee.
Will Ferrell: Excellent.
Secretary: Oh, Mr. President, Prime Minister Vince Vaughn is on the line and we’ve got His Majesty Owen Wilson on line 4.
Will Ferrell: [Removing clothes for gratuitous nude scene.] Great, see if you can get in a cameo appearance by Acting Attorney General Ben Stiller.

Martin Sheen

(The West Wing)
Chief of Staff: Sir, we need an answer about the crisis in Haiti.
Martin Sheen: [Asks Aide if he knows obscure bible quote.]
Aide: [Smart-alecky fast-banter reply.]
Martin Sheen: [Elaborate retelling of a historical oddity that somehow renders the quote extremely relevant.]
Chief of Staff: But sir, we can’t–
Martin Sheen: [Screaming bombastic Latin, then overly cutesy argument with wife Stockard Channing.]
Aide: Then we’re agreed.
Chief of Staff: I’ll tell the military to start bombing China.
Martin Sheen: Shibboleth.

Volume 15- Issue 4

Nickelodeon Solutions to Everyday Problems

January 1, 2006
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PROBLEM: Your rent is due tomorrow and you don’t get paid until next week.
LIKELY RESULT: Another long night in the apartment manager’s office. At least you remember to bring your kneepads this time. Listerine may wash away the night’s memories, but it won’t wash away your ruined credit and wrecked self-esteem.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: You ask your apartment manager if he knows why your rent is late. When he replies, “I don’t know,” he is covered in green slime! You both have a laugh, get a bite to eat at Barth’s, and then go to sleep in a gym locker with Alanis Morissette.

PROBLEM: You just found out you contracted HIV from your mistress, and you have to tell your wife that you’ve likely passed it on to her.
LIKELY RESULT: You never muster up the courage to tell her and when both she and your best friend John die from AIDS 7 months later, you’re pretty upset. Also you still have AIDS.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: You hire Linda Ellerbee and the Nick News kids to explain the situation to your wife with the help of special guest anchor Magic Johnson. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when your wife realizes Linda Ellerbee is your mistress.

PROBLEM: Morpheus wants you to prove yourself and defeat the agent before finding out if the Mervoginian will release the Key Maker.
LIKELY RESULT: Pretentious mid-air kick-boxing battle over a crowded thoroughfare.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: After moving Mikey up two squares and answering a question about the Old West, you make it to round three but your 2d-virtual magic carpet ride comes to an end early when you fail to collect three rings and are bitten to death by a crudely animated snake. You never manage to reach Mongo the space troll and defeat him to earn a Commodore Amiga, but the ending still makes more sense than Neo being Jesus.

PROBLEM: Your boss tells you that the managerial promotion has come down to you and your rival Davidson.
LIKELY RESULT: While attempting to pull an all-nighter to finish a report, you end up crashing out and sleepwalking into your boss’s office. The turd on his keyboard isn’t easy to explain the next morning.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: Instead of basing the promotion off on your job aptitude, your boss tells you the decision will be made by a race to the top of the AGGRO-CRAG! As you scramble up its jagged features, a well placed kick to your rival sends him face first into an explosion of confetti. He’s blinded for life and you get the promotion! Suck on THAT, Davidson!

PROBLEM: A friendly boasting match turns ugly and you end up in a duel to the death with a sea pirate.
LIKELY RESULT: You’re boned.
NICKELODEON SOLUTION: Hey, I said you’re boned. What, you think David the Gnome is going to pop out with a magical fox for you to ride away on? Fucking pirate is 6’5″ and has an eye patch. I mean, shit.