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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy

Words From the Top

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Dearest Readers,

I have some bad news for you. Are you sitting down? Good. OK. Brace yourself.

I’m graduating.

For those of you who didn’t just have a three-way heart attack, embolism, and third degree pants-crapping, you probably don’t know who I am. Perhaps you thought that Daniel Brady was merely a legend, like Johnny Appleseed, Larry Bird, or evolution. No, I am as real as the solid gold that flows through my veins. For those of you not familiar with my name then maybe you’re more familiar with my achievements, like balancing the ASUC budget last year by shooting down that blimp. Many of you were surprised that the resulting explosion cured cancer, but I wasn’t. Or maybe you know me as the inventor of the Time Machine/Unfoggable Shower Mirror.

Some of the more sycophantic of you might endlessly ask, while sobbing and cursing God, why I am leaving you. The fact is that I have outgrown the academic capabilities of this university and am moving on to MIT, the Moon Institute of Technology, to get a PhD in Rocket Surgery. In my spare time I will work my neck out endlessly at the gym so that it may one day support the weight of all my future medals.

And though my immeasurable intellect (42 scientists died when the measuring computer became violently jealous and exploded) is capable of remembering all your names, I choose not to, especially the men and women I have left heavy with child. You will not see me again, for I have chosen not to attend the Commencement, where my mere name would cause thousands of broken wrists from the furious clapping. Even though I would enjoy watching you, my friends, celebrate my accomplishment of graduating Magna Cum Awesome, I will be otherwise occupied naming all the new colors I’ve discovered in the last ten seconds.

I’ll see you all again at the end of your lives, where I will weigh your achievements against mine to determine if you may enter my Eternal Kingdom.

Until Then,
Daniel Brady

Top Ten Lamest Things to Buy With a Million Dollars

  1. World’s second best pesto
  2. Training for being upcoming contestant in who wants to be a millionaire
  3. 500k for Elisha Cuthbert blowjob; 500k for guy to knock her teeth out before hand
  4. Paying two dogs to fall in love
  5. Two nights of passion with Ed Begley Jr.
  6. A Segway that works in space
  7. One chick at the same time
  8. The whole world’s pog collection
  9. A KICK-ASS meal plan
  10. A hundred million pennies

Top Ten Reasons You Lost That Basketball Game to a Paraplegic Midget

  1. Paraplegic midget actually black slang for really talented Basketball player
  2. He was on steroids … for his asthma
  3. He only became paraplegic midget at half-time
  4. His canine companion was Air Bud
  5. He had more heart … and more lung because of the respirator
  6. The movie was named after him
  7. Referee also a paraplegic midget
  8. Couldn’t use your ball handling skills to break his ankles
  9. Little bastard tricked you into scoring on your own basket on 37 non-consecutive occasions
  10. He’s black

Top Ten Signs Sex with a Polar Bear Is Going Poorly

  1. Safety word “grwerwerwer” sounds lot like signal for fuck me harder “grwerfwere”
  2. You already went black bear and now you can’t go back
  3. Relationship dying due to language bear-ier
  4. “Fuck Buddies” means different things to each of you
  5. Everywhere you try to kiss smells like fish
  6. Apparently you were supposed to use the flare gun to distract him
  7. Already killed and ate most of you
  8. You’re fucking freezing
  9. Everyone in the zoo is staring
  10. You’re a penguin

Top Ten Other Things That Happen Every Ten Seconds

  1. A drag queen hits her penis with a hammer
  2. George bush wonders what the Dukes of Hazard are doing
  3. A gay teenager asks if it’s time to hit the showers
  4. The wish of a white middle class child comes true
  5. 10 girl babies are killed
  6. 20 Chinese babies are born
  7. The number five appears in the time
  8. God kills an Iraqi
  9. A kid turns down marijuana and remains uncool
  10. A drunk driver gets home safely

White People Jokes!

How many white people does it take to invent the lightbulb?
Just one!

What did one white guy say to the other white guy?
“I got into Yale.”

Why did the white man throw the clock out the window?
Because he was angry about losing the big Dryerson case.

Why did the white man jump off the empire state building?
Because he is Superman, and therefore can fly.

What happened to the guy who was born half French, half English?
He enjoyed he benefits of dual citizenship, but chose to live in England for tax purposes!

What’s black and white and red all over?
A Shriner funeral!

What do you call a thousand white people at the bottom of the ocean?
The Titanic. What a tragedy.

Why did the white doctor fail the driving test?
Women can’t be doctors!

Top Ten Reasons to Stop Going to That Jewish Strip Club

  1. Holocausts you a fortune
  2. Strippers are Jewish women
  3. You didn’t go for a couple of weeks and now every time you go back they ask how come you never visit
  4. Stripper’s name is Crystal Nacht
  5. You’re OPEC and you don’t recognize the existence of strip club
  6. In lieu of lap dances they just lift you up on a chair
  7. First stripper starts off with
  8. You suspect one of the strippers is a Palestinian suicide stripper
  9. Strip club announcer sounds just like your Yiddish grandpa
  10. Jewish strippers snort coke way too fast

Re: Professor Indiana Jones

Attn: Harry Berman, Dean

Arthur Horn, Department Chair

Re: Professor Indiana Jones

Dear Sirs,

As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and irresponsibility.

Tomorrow will mark the 703rd time that I have substituted for Professor Jones in his course Classics 4A: Latin, Archaeology, and Arks of the Covenant.

Should the gravity of such a statistic somehow remain lost on you, I would like to retype for you here several of the many, many notes Professor Jones has left for me on short notice “explaining” his absences:
“Have to go to Portugal to fight Nazis. Will you cover Classics 4A?”
“Indian villagers being kidnapped for their blood. Can you cover my classes for me? Thanks, Indy”
“Nazis took my dad. Back in 6 weeks. – Indy
PS: Feed my fish”

And his most recent note:
“Jeff Nathanson’s latest script finally approved by George Lucas.”

First of all, I hope you’ve noticed a trend in these notes. If we are to believe Professor Jones, he has fought Nazis everywhere from “Venice” and “Istanbul” to “the Macy’s outside of Baltimore” and once, apparently, “in a zeppelin.” You cannot seriously ask me to tolerate these outlandish fabrications.

Ignoring his habitual truancy, Professor Jones’ teaching habits and curriculum leave much to be desired. For instance, week one’s lecture, “Learning Hovitos and choosing your guide carefully,” bore almost no relation to week three’s lecture, “Don’t call me Junior!” If his incompetence were only limited to the classroom, perhaps I might tolerate it for another 700 unexcused absences. But Professor Jones is an irresponsible braggart of the worst sort, and what’s more he’s an actual danger to the students. I needn’t remind you of his infamous “field trip” to Carlsbad Caverns last year. I can assure you that very few of the grieving parents accepted Professor Jones’ explanation that their deceased children had “refused to throw [him] the whip.”

Finally, although it pains me to make such an accusation against another academic professional, I have good reason to believe the tragic fire in the Ophiology laboratory was no accident.

If this University has any respect for its legacy and its duty to the students, it will suspend Professor Jones until he proves he can teach a course without resorting to fantastical stories about giant boulders and non-stop Nazi-bashing, or at least until he returns the haunted idol of Ko’resh Al-Gultar to the people of Saudi Arabia.

Sincerely,
Anthony LePais
Associate Professor