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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 15- Issue 5

Diary of a Costume Character

February 1, 2006
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I remember when I was growing up, I used to be scared to death of the people in Theme Park costumes. Maybe it was their cold dead plastic eyes. Maybe it was that time a guy dressed as the Tasmanian devil raped me. Regardless, I would eventually become one of those people.

Entry 1

When I first arrived, they took my measurements to figure out which costumes I was going to be in. Then they made me watch 3 hours of Six Flags orientation videos. The first hour basically told us over and over again that if we ever broke out of character we’d be fired and probably beaten within an inch of our lives. Then, halfway through the second hour, they just started showing clips of the movie Dune. Most of the other new employees didn’t speak English and didn’t seem to notice.

Entry 2

So my first character was Marvin the Martian, which I thought was really cool until I realized he wore full body spandex. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was but things got really embarrassing when some kid ran up to me and lifted up my skirt to see underneath. Then people started pointing, laughing, and taking pictures while saying, “No wonder he has to wear a mask!”

Entry 3

I’m actually starting to get really weird vibes about this place. I asked my supervisor today when he thought I’d be ready to play Bugs and he told me I wasn’t fit to suck Bugs’s dick. Then he made some sort of crude gesture with his hands but I couldn’t make it out through the big gloves on his foghorn leghorn costume.

Entry 4

I was walking around the park today as Tweety, which basically sucked to begin with. But then I saw my girlfriend. She didn’t know I’d gotten a job at the park yet so I decided to surprise her, but just as I walked up to her this guy standing behind me shoved me out of the way and the two of them started making out. I just stood there stunned. All I could do was cry silently inside Tweety, and occasionally chirp.

Entry 5

Turns out Magic Mountain needed to make cutbacks in order to build a new rollercoaster. They fired 5 of the guys that arrived with me. Now I’m somehow supposed to play Tweety, Marvin, Daffy, and Speedy Gonzalez in both the North and South sides of the park simultaneously. I keep getting my characters confused and all the Hispanic people at the park think I’m making fun of them when I start talking in my Speedy Gonzalez voice while wearing the Daffy Duck suit. Also probably cuz I use the word beaner a lot.

Entry 6

Woke up in bed screaming with the Tweety mask stuck to my head again. Boss is gonna kill me if I don’t get the sweat stains out of it.

Entry 7

Boss called me into the office today and told me he had big news. Said I’d been doing a great job and that he thought I really deserved a reward. I got excited and started imagining what sort of plum job he must’ve had lined up for me. That’s when I realized he’d unbuttoned the pants on his Yosemite Sam suit. I tried to say no, tried to stop it from happening, but he threatened to shoot me. It was only later that I realized that the giant foam guns probably weren’t loaded.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Jack Bauer Pauses to Poop

February 1, 2006
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At 7:24 PM and 28 seconds past the minute, Counter-Terrorist Agent Jack Bauer interrupted his pursuit of international terrorists because he had to poop. Bauer, a five time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and wanted in 18 countries for “quadruple-double homicide and removing a man’s thumb without permission,” was running dramatically down an alley way when, for the first time in five years, he felt a stirring in his bowels. Having not eaten, farted, belched, or felt mercy for a fellow man since season two, Bauer was surprised by the sensation, and reportedly shouted “Dammit!” repeatedly.

Meanwhile, in a windowless office that was conspicuously not the White House, the President pretended to have an important and heated discussion with his aides to stall for time, while in another area a Fordbrand SUV transported sinister looking silver canisters. Kim Bauer was probably being kidnapped somewhere.

Jack Bauer emerged at 7:36 PM and 53 seconds, leaving only three men dead in the Arby’s bathroom.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Words From the Top

The Greatest Inventor

February 1, 2006
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Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.

Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!

Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take your nuts out of your mouth and listen. I came up with this idea when I was at Starbucks and I saw a woman blowing on her latte. I said to myself, hey, “You could put your dick in that!”

Two hours later my dick was covered in coffee burns and I knew I had to go back to the drawing board.

That’s when I saw a porcupine eating shards of glass.

Okay, fast-forward another two hours and a quick trip to the hospital.

Needless to say I learned my lesson and began work constructing a scale model of the penis for use in later tests. Then I saw my dog licking himself.

I began experimenting. A few of the legos fell off, but the penis seemed to be okay.

I ran as fast as I could to my girlfriend’s place and explained my theory to her. She flat out told me it would never work, and even if it did, she’d probably get pregnant instantly. So I ate her out, then went home.

I figured I’d go talk it over with some of my friends, but they were all at Starbucks and for some reason I’m not allowed in there anymore. With few options left, I decided a field test was in order.

Let me just say, it worked, and it was incredible. It was totally worth it.

Yours,
Simon Ganz
San Quentin Prison

Volume 15- Issue 5

Top Ten Signs Your Professor is an Illegal Immigrant

February 1, 2006
  1. The reader is all Cesar Chavez
  2. Responds poorly to your racist humor
  3. Hired him at a home depot parking lot
  4. Runs across Telegraph with entire family in tow
  5. Doesn’t have tenure
  6. Got his PHD in dry walling
  7. Smiles politely and nods at every question
  8. Office hours held in tomato field
  9. Stole his job from good hardworking American professors
  10. Serape with leather patches still notably serape
Volume 15- Issue 5

Man Gains Superpowers in Lab Accident

February 1, 2006
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Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever when the sociological questionnaire he was filling out exploded.

Andrews, or “The Pollster” as he now wishes to be called, claims to have a superhuman knowledge of socio-economic statistics, including which groups are most likely to engage in criminal activity. “I’ve been given the power to predict crime before it starts,” says the Pollster, who reportedly has been involved in physical altercations with 17-year-old, lower-class, male minorities on six separate occasions, all of which have resulted in Andrews sustaining major injuries. No other persons involved were ever found, apprehended, or proven guilty of criminal activity (past or future). Andrews, however, remains adamant about his cause, saying, “I won’t rest until 100% of the population is safe!” Adding, “Plus or minus five.”

Volume 15- Issue 5

Top Ten Signs It’s Time to Switch to Plan B

February 1, 2006
  1. Identical twin failed to shave goatee
  2. Turns out bank has no wheelchair ramp
  3. Hot air balloon escape not as practical as you thought for nail gun factory heist
  4. Flying a plane is actually really hard
  5. Pirates are late. AGAIN
  6. Your English accent isn’t nearly as convincing as you thought
  7. Ewoks didn’t do shit
  8. Turns out the pope was wearing a flak jacket
  9. Kinda, sorta, accidentally shot hostage in the face
  10. Air conditioner ducts are actually really small
Volume 15- Issue 5

Discount Wisdom

February 1, 2006

Remember when P. Diddy ran all of those “Vote or Die” commercials on MTV during the 2004 election? I think he meant that campaign to be aimed at senior citizens. That’s all they seem to do.

I don’t believe in a “nuclear holocaust.” I think it is just a phrase that people created by taking the two most feared words in the English language and putting them together. It’s kind of like “Ebola genocide” or “shark taxes.”

I wonder who was the person that created the game “Slug Bug,” and if that was his/her only contribution to society.

If Jamie Foxx and Vivica A. Fox had a baby, I bet it would be black.

In the DARE program they teach you that “crack is whack.” So why don’t they have a synonym for “great” that ends with “-ee cee pee?”

I once made fun of a really rigid and pale girl until she cried. I felt really bad until I found out she was a water fountain.

I wish I were an astronaut. That way, if a bunch of track athletes were making fun of me, I could tell them that I once ran a mile in under five minutes. They would all start laughing and say “big deal, we can all do that.” I would then say that I ran it on the sun. That would shut them up real quick.

I wonder what Olive Oyl’s nickname was in high school when she was an acne-covered teen. I bet it was still Olive Oyl.

One day I tried to grow a beard so I would look just like my father. But then I realized that I had no idea what my father looked like because he left us when I was born. Boy that was a sad day for a five-year-old.

The first time you make love is a magical experience. Unless, of course, you’re not a magician.

If you ever get the chance to ride a dinosaur, don’t whoop and holler and look really pleased, because dinosaurs hate bragging.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth

February 1, 2006

Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when I can help bring one life into existence as another is senselessly extinguished.” Parker added, “Plus, it’s like half the paperwork. I just write in the baby’s name, flip the form over and write in the stiff ‘s name. Badabing, bada-boom.”

“I can’t wait to show little Annie the video someday,” said recent father and widower Mark Keller.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Top Ten Christian Breakfast Cereals

February 1, 2006
  1. Cinnamon Toast Christ
  2. Let He Who is Without Sin Cast the First Fruity Pebble
  3. Life … begins at conception
  4. Safeway Generic Brand Moses Bits
  5. Corn Popes
  6. Smart Start is Bible School
  7. Count Chocula Does Not Exist
  8. Total Exorcism
  9. Honey Bunches of Christ
  10. Forbidden Fruit Loops
Volume 15- Issue 5

God Blamed For Global Disasters

February 1, 2006
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In a press conference held at the White House on Wednesday, a spokesman representing FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security stated that from now on, all misdeeds, misdemeanors, natural disasters, hunting accidents, and war crimes would be recognized as the fault of God. “How can individuals be held accountable for their actions when everything is ultimately controlled by the omnipotent Creator?” explained spokesman Stuart Driebble as he made his daily sacrifice of fifteen well-nourished steers upon a flaming altar just outside of the White House pressroom.

This new policy is expected to lead to the release of innumerable murderers, rapists, war criminals, and psychopaths into the general populace. However, Driebble insisted that “people will no longer be punished for their actions or for shooting a 78-year-old lobbyist in the face with a shotgun just because God made them do it.” Meanwhile, charges, including those of genocide in the Sudan and causing Hurricane Katrina, are being raised against the Almighty. Law officials are now preparing for the second coming of Christ so they may efficiently apprehend and interrogate the Messiah as soon as He decides to show up again and stops hiding in heaven like a wuss.