“I need my beauty sleep. Lots and lots of beauty sleep. 40 pills worth of beauty sleep.” -Marylin Monroe
“I have this thing for asian chicks, ya know, because they’re the only ethnicity available on this entire continent.” -Confucius
“I like my wit like I like my pussy, dry as hell.” -Samuel Clemens
“Ugh… where am I… and why the fuck am I dressed like an indian?” -Samuel Adams
“Oh dear, I dropped my lipstick.” -Amelia Earhart, (Last Known Transmission)
“Holy fucking Ra do I love triangles.” -King Tut
“My father has never approved of my work nor my desire to have sex with his wife.” -Sigmund Freud
“I didn’t say,’Sic Semper Tyrannis,’ I said, ‘Take THAT, Lincoln!'” – John Wilkes Booth
Remember when P. Diddy ran all of those “Vote or Die” commercials on MTV during the 2004 election? I think he meant that campaign to be aimed at senior citizens. That’s all they seem to do.
I don’t believe in a “nuclear holocaust.” I think it is just a phrase that people created by taking the two most feared words in the English language and putting them together. It’s kind of like “Ebola genocide” or “shark taxes.”
I wonder who was the person that created the game “Slug Bug,” and if that was his/her only contribution to society.
If Jamie Foxx and Vivica A. Fox had a baby, I bet it would be black.
In the DARE program they teach you that “crack is whack.” So why don’t they have a synonym for “great” that ends with “-ee cee pee?”
I once made fun of a really rigid and pale girl until she cried. I felt really bad until I found out she was a water fountain.
I wish I were an astronaut. That way, if a bunch of track athletes were making fun of me, I could tell them that I once ran a mile in under five minutes. They would all start laughing and say “big deal, we can all do that.” I would then say that I ran it on the sun. That would shut them up real quick.
I wonder what Olive Oyl’s nickname was in high school when she was an acne-covered teen. I bet it was still Olive Oyl.
One day I tried to grow a beard so I would look just like my father. But then I realized that I had no idea what my father looked like because he left us when I was born. Boy that was a sad day for a five-year-old.
The first time you make love is a magical experience. Unless, of course, you’re not a magician.
If you ever get the chance to ride a dinosaur, don’t whoop and holler and look really pleased, because dinosaurs hate bragging.
Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.
Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!
Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take your nuts out of your mouth and listen. I came up with this idea when I was at Starbucks and I saw a woman blowing on her latte. I said to myself, hey, “You could put your dick in that!”
Two hours later my dick was covered in coffee burns and I knew I had to go back to the drawing board.
That’s when I saw a porcupine eating shards of glass.
Okay, fast-forward another two hours and a quick trip to the hospital.
Needless to say I learned my lesson and began work constructing a scale model of the penis for use in later tests. Then I saw my dog licking himself.
I began experimenting. A few of the legos fell off, but the penis seemed to be okay.
I ran as fast as I could to my girlfriend’s place and explained my theory to her. She flat out told me it would never work, and even if it did, she’d probably get pregnant instantly. So I ate her out, then went home.
I figured I’d go talk it over with some of my friends, but they were all at Starbucks and for some reason I’m not allowed in there anymore. With few options left, I decided a field test was in order.
Let me just say, it worked, and it was incredible. It was totally worth it.
Yours,
Simon Ganz
San Quentin Prison
When you’re as picky as I am, it’s hard to find a girl that shares your interests. Girls that I dated in the past just weren’t into sitting in one position for up to twelve hours, being stared at by little kids, or peeing with someone’s assistance. But I found the girl of my dreams. Her name is Crystal (a fragile name, for a fragile spine) and it turned out she had been sitting right next to me all along. I was standing, of course, so it just took me a long time to see her. I was nervous talking to her at first.
Me: Did it hurt?
Cyrstal: Pardon?
Me: When you fell from Heaven.
Crystal: Oh, that’s cute. [giggling] But really, my dad pushed me down the stairs.
Me: I …see.
She was unlike any girl I’d ever met. It was magic. When I looked into her eye, and she into mine, and her seeing eye dog’s also into mine, I knew it was love. And you may not think so, but where Crystal really shines is in the bedroom, especially considering her complete and total inability to move or feel pleasure.
Me: Want to try a new position
Crystal: Sure, I’m game.
Me: I really want to try the Sacred Spelunking Stingray position. Just lean forward and arch your back as much as you can so your feet rest on your head and I’ll…
[large, wet cracking noise]
Crystal: What was that?
Me: I uh, er, I sat on some pretzels.
It feels amazing to know I’ve found the woman of my dreams and I’m doing a great deed as a humanitarian. Crystal is everything a man like me could ask for. We watch TV together, see movies together, and when she’s asleep I play frisbee with her guide dog. And I get to class so much faster riding on the back of her wheelchair, even though now I don’t know what to do with my Segway. So don’t let love just roll on by, seize it by the wheels! And if it screams, turn off its voice box.
Welcome to
Purgatory!
You probably have a lot of questions, for instance:
In Purgatory, you will kind of be punished for your lifetime of quasi-sin. The subtle agonies that await you include:
Enjoy a half-price ride on Purgatory’s award-winning public transport system, ranked #3 in the afterlife, to your new garden-level apartment! You’ll meet your new roommate who has already chosen the bottom bunk. When you get inside, sit down quietly, turn on your 16″ TV, and please enjoy complimentary reruns of the Simpsons (seasons 12 through 15). Looking for a job can wait until tomorrow! We hope you have a not-unpleasant stay here in Purgatory, and we’re glad we could make your first day a little easier.
This pamphlet was printed on 50% recycled paper.
At 7:24 PM and 28 seconds past the minute, Counter-Terrorist Agent Jack Bauer interrupted his pursuit of international terrorists because he had to poop. Bauer, a five time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and wanted in 18 countries for “quadruple-double homicide and removing a man’s thumb without permission,” was running dramatically down an alley way when, for the first time in five years, he felt a stirring in his bowels. Having not eaten, farted, belched, or felt mercy for a fellow man since season two, Bauer was surprised by the sensation, and reportedly shouted “Dammit!” repeatedly.
Meanwhile, in a windowless office that was conspicuously not the White House, the President pretended to have an important and heated discussion with his aides to stall for time, while in another area a Fordbrand SUV transported sinister looking silver canisters. Kim Bauer was probably being kidnapped somewhere.
Jack Bauer emerged at 7:36 PM and 53 seconds, leaving only three men dead in the Arby’s bathroom.
I remember when I was growing up, I used to be scared to death of the people in Theme Park costumes. Maybe it was their cold dead plastic eyes. Maybe it was that time a guy dressed as the Tasmanian devil raped me. Regardless, I would eventually become one of those people.
When I first arrived, they took my measurements to figure out which costumes I was going to be in. Then they made me watch 3 hours of Six Flags orientation videos. The first hour basically told us over and over again that if we ever broke out of character we’d be fired and probably beaten within an inch of our lives. Then, halfway through the second hour, they just started showing clips of the movie Dune. Most of the other new employees didn’t speak English and didn’t seem to notice.
So my first character was Marvin the Martian, which I thought was really cool until I realized he wore full body spandex. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was but things got really embarrassing when some kid ran up to me and lifted up my skirt to see underneath. Then people started pointing, laughing, and taking pictures while saying, “No wonder he has to wear a mask!”
I’m actually starting to get really weird vibes about this place. I asked my supervisor today when he thought I’d be ready to play Bugs and he told me I wasn’t fit to suck Bugs’s dick. Then he made some sort of crude gesture with his hands but I couldn’t make it out through the big gloves on his foghorn leghorn costume.
I was walking around the park today as Tweety, which basically sucked to begin with. But then I saw my girlfriend. She didn’t know I’d gotten a job at the park yet so I decided to surprise her, but just as I walked up to her this guy standing behind me shoved me out of the way and the two of them started making out. I just stood there stunned. All I could do was cry silently inside Tweety, and occasionally chirp.
Turns out Magic Mountain needed to make cutbacks in order to build a new rollercoaster. They fired 5 of the guys that arrived with me. Now I’m somehow supposed to play Tweety, Marvin, Daffy, and Speedy Gonzalez in both the North and South sides of the park simultaneously. I keep getting my characters confused and all the Hispanic people at the park think I’m making fun of them when I start talking in my Speedy Gonzalez voice while wearing the Daffy Duck suit. Also probably cuz I use the word beaner a lot.
Woke up in bed screaming with the Tweety mask stuck to my head again. Boss is gonna kill me if I don’t get the sweat stains out of it.
Boss called me into the office today and told me he had big news. Said I’d been doing a great job and that he thought I really deserved a reward. I got excited and started imagining what sort of plum job he must’ve had lined up for me. That’s when I realized he’d unbuttoned the pants on his Yosemite Sam suit. I tried to say no, tried to stop it from happening, but he threatened to shoot me. It was only later that I realized that the giant foam guns probably weren’t loaded.
