10:10pm. I was bored, so I left Apartment DISH and walked down Telegraph in search of cheap food. Outside Rasputin, slamming himself chest-first into the store window, was a homeless guy carrying a 6′ wide sign. I walked by, to … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Guy In <i>Lord of the Rings</i> Also Guy From <i>The Matrix</i>
An audible murmur passed through the audience at a recent screening of The Lord of the Rings when all four hundred moviegoers simultaneously realized that Hugo Weaving, playing Elrond in the fantasy screen adaptation, is the guy who played Agent … Read More
Diary of a Penis Artist
Day 1: Wednesday
My teeth were clamped down in the midst of a large bowel movement when the idea came to me. No longer will people stare into the bleak polished door of the dormitory stall without a source of … Read More
Cosplayer Loosely Resembles Anime Character
Leslie Carpenter, or Carpento-chan, as she is known among friends and online acquaintances, appreared at Santa Clara’s Fanime-Con “Der Cosplay” Masquerade event bearing a striking near-resemblance to the character Ayanami Rei from the popular Japanese anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. And … Read More
Words from the Top
Ba-Boon to Humanity
The methods used to judge the worthiness of a potential mate has grown into a convoluted tortured science that is incomprehensible to suitors themselves. Single men and women gather in remote bars, homes, and vacated warehouses to practice obscure ritualistic … Read More
Top Ten Winter Movies About Food
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Orange County
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Casserole Damage
- Rollergumball
- In the Kitchen
- Not Another Teen Smoothie
- I Am Yam
- Kate & Neopolitan
- Black Berry Down
- A Beautiful Rind
- Lord of the Onion Rings
Top Ten Ways to Tell Your Teen is Troubled
- Standing on block of ice with a moose around his neck
- Standing on block of ice with a noose around his neck
- Father’s Day gift includes coupons for chores and coupons for crack
- In lieu of posters, nails old blocks
Top Ten Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage
- Put it in her butt. Dude.
- Greet your spouse at the door wearing nothing but a brand-new attractive body
- With luv
- Push twin beds back together
- Have a hot steamy date eating hot steamy lobster in a hot steamy vat of
Top Ten Non-Pornographic Porno Movies
- All Aural ActionGA$A3 Hearing Solutions Presents: Ear Pirates II
- Playboy Presents: Playboy Corporation’s Fiscal Report 2001
- Jungle Fever: Malaria
- Lesbian Prisoners in Solitary
- Housewives That Set a Decent Example VII
- Inhibition
- Girls Gone to Sleep
- Boys Avoiding Boys
- Deep Thought
Top Ten Things to Say to a Dog You’re Abandoning When It Keeps Looking at You Like That
- Nothing. Let your new dog do all the talking.
- “So … um … I guess I’ll … see you around then. Yeah.”
- “The last five dogs took this way better than you’re taking it, you big baby.”
- “Dry those tears,
