The methods used to judge the worthiness of a potential mate has grown into a convoluted tortured science that is incomprehensible to suitors themselves. Single men and women gather in remote bars, homes, and vacated warehouses to practice obscure ritualistic … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Stinky Friday
God be praised. This week my twelve-year love affair with underarm deodorant came perilously close to dissolving forever. Fortunately for myself and anyone who will ever come within a fourteen-foot radius of my being, I was saved by the irresistible … Read More
Top Ten Winter Movies About Food
-
Orange County
-
Casserole Damage
- Rollergumball
- In the Kitchen
- Not Another Teen Smoothie
- I Am Yam
- Kate & Neopolitan
- Black Berry Down
- A Beautiful Rind
- Lord of the Onion Rings
February’s Squelly Girls
Proving once and for all the age-old axiom, “There are lots of hot girls and good drinks at Blake’s on Telegraph,” Squelly Girls Casey Le Jeune and Joanna Jen debut their newfound talents in the art of Mixology. Recently, the … Read More
Marine World
A Day with the Animals
Dolphin
“Yeah, we’re smart. Holy shit, we’re so fucking smart. How fucking smart are we? I’ll tell you this, we wouldn’t pay a hundred fifty bucks to swim with humans.
“You know what we think about when you’re here in … Read More
Criminal Mastermind Pilfers FBI Luncheon
An FBI luncheon was spoiled this week when a masked thief made off with an entire cart of hamburgers, which were to serve as the entrees for the event. One eye witness described the suspect as “four feet tall, with … Read More
Bowflex Man Not Bowflexing
Flex Plan Bodybuilder Henry James, of Bowflex commercial fame, recently admitted to friends and family that his workout regiment, which maintains remarkably stiff quads, bulging pecs, and tantalizing abs, rarely includes 20 to 30 minutes on the Bowflex machine as … Read More
My Thursday Night On Telegraph:
A Highly Selective Autobiography
10:10pm. I was bored, so I left Apartment DISH and walked down Telegraph in search of cheap food. Outside Rasputin, slamming himself chest-first into the store window, was a homeless guy carrying a 6′ wide sign. I walked by, to … Read More
Needle Lost in Haystack
Onlookers at Loss for Metaphor
A needle was misplaced in a haystack earlier this week, setting the stage for a task which many liken to a very difficult thing to do.
“Yup. It’s lost in there and finding it is going to be like trying … Read More
He-Man Arrested For Indecent Exposure
Prince Adam, also known as “He-Man,” was arrested Saturday at a club in Eternia for indecent exposure and disturbing the peace.
“I don’t care if he is the protector of Greyskull or whatever he was talking about, no one is … Read More
