Criminal Mastermind Pilfers FBI Luncheon

An FBI luncheon was spoiled this week when a masked thief made off with an entire cart of hamburgers, which were to serve as the entrees for the event. One eye witness described the suspect as “four feet tall, with a round head and orange hair, wearing a black mask, wide-brimmed hat, black and white striped shirt, and black cape.”

The witness also heard the thief mutter the phrase “robble robble” during his getaway, which has led some agents to assume that the suspect is “probably a foreigner, or maybe retarded.”

Acting on a tip from an amorphous, purple informant known only as “Grimace,” agents are currently combing the streets of McDonaldland with the cooperation of Eustace McCheese, the town’s mayor. The investigation has already hit a snag, however, since the special agent in charge of the project appears to have been stolen.

Anyone with information about the robbery has been asked to send a message to the FBI via U.S. mail, as the bureau is still search for its missing telephones and computers.