Bay Area paralegal and nut allergic Nathan Tholom continues to be frustrated by the lack of interest in his idea for a movie centering around nut allergies.
“It would be about this guy, who’s allergic to nuts,” explained Tholom to … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Things to Be Buried In
- Na Gadda Da Vida
- Cognito
- Woolly mammoth’s belly
- Spite of your dying wishes.
- Styyyyle
- Plaid
- Bacon
- The body of a slightly larger, equally dead man
- Multiple suitcases
- A suitcase
U.S. Withdraws Support for Israeli Baby-Killing
Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered that the … Read More
UC Berkeley: Back in Time
Sometimes on the UC Berkeley campus it is tough to go ten feet without a Palestinian or Israeli trying to get your attention, crawl down your ear, and eat the tasty nutmeats within. With all the activism on campus, you’d … Read More
Lottery Winning on Tuesday
Everyone’s a Winner
Well, the weather is picking up lately. It’s hot outside and hotter still inside. The sweet spring air makes me want to grab someone special, head for the local 7-Eleven and win the lottery all day long. Of course, after … Read More
Top Ten Reasons It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To
- You would cry too if it happened to you.
- I am a total fucking pussy, that’s why.
- Pin the Tail on the Donkey can be a more traumatic experience than most children let on.
- In hindsight, freshly cut onions were
Top Ten Things Seldom Written in Braille
- “Congratulations on your purchase of a Smith & Wesson”
- “Choose Bob’s Driving School!”
- “The Squelch is a sensitive magazine”
- “Welcome to Metropolitan Museum of Art…Sorry!”
- “Your Guide to Sign Language”
- “Do Not Touch”
- “Your Guide to Reading Braille”
- “To properly
Top Ten Ways to Be a Tease
- Become a slut, then tone it down a bit
- Suck slowly on fingers after giving hand job
- Diet of only bananas and popsicles
- Don’t wear bra, also don’t wear shirt
- Know how to give good blow jobs, but don’t
- Wear
Top Ten Proposed Solutions to Housing Crunch
-
“Everyone sleeps at the Chancellor’s House” month
-
Only admitting people between 4’8″ and 5’3″ in order to squeeze them into new quintuple dorm rooms.
- Encouraging male students to masquerade as girls so they can live in sorority houses with
Top Ten Improved Names for the Tailbone
- Crystal SpriteGA$A3
- “Oh yeah, she’s definitely fucking bulemic.”
- Tailbone Jackson
- Fortitude
- <nobr>Buttfuck<wbr>logistics<wbr>probleminator</nobr>
- Neglecto
- We Used to Have Fucking Tails It’s Not Butter!
- Sony #TZX456
- <nobr>Onlyrealize<wbr>itexists<wbr>afterfirstday<wbr>snowboarding<wbr>bone</nobr>
- Dollywhomppper2K2
