Caveman times
U'tuck and I are out deer hunting but there's no deer and it's
late at night. U'tuck tells me that he has an idea but he can't
tell me until I push this big heavy rock over a Author Archives: The Squelch
Awkward Situations
A Man Trying to Learn His Partner’s Sexual History While in
the Heat of Passion
“Oh yeah, right there. That feels really good. Have you done this before?
What? No, I’m not insinuating anything, I just wanted to know if … Read More
U.S. Withdraws Support for Israeli Baby-Killing
Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered that the … Read More
UC Berkeley: Back in Time
Sometimes on the UC Berkeley campus it is tough to go ten feet without a Palestinian or Israeli trying to get your attention, crawl down your ear, and eat the tasty nutmeats within. With all the activism on campus, you’d … Read More
Jessica Stein Causes Collective Pants-Creaming
America’s homosexual community is still in the process of collectively creaming its pants following the release of the film Kissing Jessica Stein which chronicles the painfully obvious story of a successful young woman who, fed up with men, learns the … Read More
UC Police Crack Down
During a recent press conference, UC Police Chief Victoria Harrison commented on a new policy the department plans on implementing next month. UC police officers predict that the controversial new plan will give them the “upper hand” against “bicyclist renegades.” … Read More
Words from the Top
All Hail Team Male
Waking up in the morning to the sturm und drang of my own testicular power, I’m invigorated by a sense of belonging, the joy of being a part of a group. But not an ordinary group of friends with insignficant … Read More
Student Digested
At 2:07 PM Monday UC Berkeley junior Michael Ortega was assaulted and summarily digested by a 20-foot starfish.
Ortega was walking across Memorial Glade from the Bechtel Engineering center to meet friends at the Free Speech Movement Cafe when the … Read More
“Secret” Cuts Costs
Posting massive losses for the current financial quarter, Procter & Gamble has laid out cost-cutting plans for the coming year, including a retooled Secret Anti-Perspirant line promising no more than “the exact amount of strength a woman needs.”
P&G rep … Read More
An Interview with Britney Spears!!!!
Heuristic Squelch: Hello, Britney Spears.
Britney Spears: Hello, Squelch interviewer man.
HS: What would you like to talk about today?
BS: Well, I guess the main thing I’d like to talk about is how much I’d like to have sex … Read More
