I used to be one of you, a college student who liked to smoke pot or was considering trying it. I have some important advice. Don’t smoke pot. I don’t want to sound preachy, old and out of touch, but … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Ways to Solve UC Labor Dispute
- Foreigners!
- Black market GSI’s
- Just look things up in a goddamn
dictionary! - One lecture for all classes
- Webcasts, webcasts, webcasts
- Move over to more self-teaching
system - Russian roulette
- Sticks and stones
- Monkeys with fl ashcards
- Lecturers withdraw to West Bank
Top Ten Bad Ice Cream Man Songs
- I Touch Myself
- Beethoven’s 5th
- Ambulance “theme song”
- I Want Candy
- The Entertainer
- College Girls Are Easy
- Ice Ice Baby
- Any song by Poison
- Suicide is Painless
- Hot in Herre
Top Ten Things Women Do in the Bathroom Together
- Silently go about their business
- Each other
- Talk shit
- Conspire against Castro
- Wait for the GHB to be put in their
drink - Solve crimes
- Magically transfer excrement from
body to toilet, because girls don’t take
shits - Discuss merits of Hobbesian
Top Ten Terrorist Dances
- George W. Bush Cha-Cha
- Echo Tango Foxtrot
- Momar Meringue
- Intifandango
- PLO Polka
- Hamas Hustle
- Jihad Jig
- Sharon Swing
- Lindh-y Hop
- Osama Mamba
African AIDS Orphans Give to Charitable Cause
Following the lead of many Americans, African orphans who have lost both parents to AIDS have been donating the money raised for them to children of victims killed in the attacks of September 11th. Like many Americans who never considered … Read More
Point/Counterpoint
Our Dad’s New Girlfriend is Evil
Jesse and Jenny
Children
Dad, please, you’ve got to listen to us! I know you really like this new woman you’ve met, but please believe us when we tell you: she’s pure evil and … Read More
Escape Plans
Sometimes, I think of ways to escape my horrible dead-end life. First, I’d fashion a shiv from a piece of a shattered dream. Then, I’d use it to stab an inner demon and make a break for it. I’d have … Read More
Girl Buys Single-Strap Bag to Make Boobs More Defined
After months of internal debate, freshman Julia Anderson was ecstatic with her purchase of a simple, casual purse last Friday. “I can put the strap over my shoulder…right here,” she said as she positioned the strap, “So you can see … Read More
Class Stalls for <i>Fight Club</i> Rant
Productive class discussion was brought to a grinding halt in 4 Le Conte Thursday afternoon when sophomore Brian Eckerson interjected a diatribe on the merits of the movie Fight Club into a lecture on the novel Great Expectations, by Charles … Read More