For the second time in a week, my lawn has dog poop on it. I will remedy this, the only way I know how.
One
I have heard that chocolate is like poison to dogs. I do have a lot … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Survey Results Released
In a recent study of humor, Berkeley researchers found that the average American would describe the Holocaust’s comedic value as “not all that funny.”
“Six million is a whole lotta Jews,” remarked study organizer Isaac Browne.
Other phenomena that earned … Read More
Top Ten Pornographic Thanksgiving Movies
- Mastur-bastin’
- Snatched Potatoes
- Pilgrim-Indian Interracial Gangbang IV
- SpanXXXgiving
- Put the Meat on the Table
- Stuffin’ N’ Gravy
- Mayflower Deflowered
- Take Your Land and Fuck Your Women XI: The Quickening
- Creamed Corn
- Gobble Gobble
Holiday Memories
Carving the turkey is my favorite part of Thanksgiving. No, it’s not because I like holding knives or because I like to butcher things. It’s for the cooking aesthetics. The turkey always smells so fresh. Mom uses a special quality … Read More
Scrap!
The time was 11:52. PM. Me and the fellas were heading for the Ragtime after a little soft-shoe over on Main Street when we heard it. Bass. Walking.
“Snap!” I held up my fist and my crew clicked to a … Read More
Loving the EECS
It’s Friday night, and you’ve been stood up by the Usual Penis so he can go to a strip club. Your options are limited: watch the Oxygen Network with your roommate, try and find a frat party not full of … Read More
The Daily Californian
Corrections & Clarifications
Our article on Sarvonian Exchange Students incorrectly spelled exchange student Garvoni’s name as “Gabvoni.” Also, there is no such nation as Sarvonia.
Our Tuesday Editorial incorrectly stated “So let’s end this period of tolerance and start a round of pogroms … Read More
Famous Showdowns Throughout History
Athens vs. Sparta
When: 491 B.C. to 412 B.C. However, doubts have recently been cast upon these dates by an excavation in Northern Greece and the fact that I’m just making shit up.
Where: See title of fight, tough guy.… Read More
Raleigh’s Introduces New Theme Night
After losing business every night of the week to other Southside bars that offer cheap drinks in large quantities to college students, self-described “American Pub and Grill,” Raleigh’s, has announced their new binge-drinking theme night, “Come Drink a lot at … Read More
Top Ten Steven Seagal Movies
- The Legend of Bagger Steve
- Steven Seagal Counts Backward From
50, Part 2 - Point Break Your Face
- Steven’s Choice
- Not Without My Son
- Wild On Steven Seagal
- I Like to Squint
- Straight to Video: Then to the Trash-can
- Out for
