- Sit by the fireplace and read
- Snort RainBlo
- Get wet
- Steal garbage bags from hobos
- Wipe sweat off brow
- Wear pink blouse, stand outside, be Kirsten Dunst
- Impromptu baptism
- Go outside and masturbate (in the rain)
- Stay at home and
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Things your Father told you not to tell Mommy
- I’m gay, you’re gay, we’re all gay
- You can help yourself to Mom as long as you pretend you’re me
- The babysitter’s dead
- I hide the porn in the veggie crisper
- Your mother was adopted
- I “make love” to your
Top Ten Reasons to join the Armed Forces
- To avoid jailtime
- You dropped out of high school
- See beautiful New France and, die there in WWIII
- Fuckin’ G.I. Bill bitch!
- Because you’re not part of the solution
- To protect and serve your country
- Because no one really dies
Top Ten Pornographic Thanksgiving Movies
- Mastur-bastin’
- Snatched Potatoes
- Pilgrim-Indian Interracial Gangbang IV
- SpanXXXgiving
- Put the Meat on the Table
- Stuffin’ N’ Gravy
- Mayflower Deflowered
- Take Your Land and Fuck Your Women XI: The Quickening
- Creamed Corn
- Gobble Gobble
Top Ten Money Flavored Candies
- Sacagaweamacallits
- Mars Bars of Gold
- Reese’s Pieces of Eight
- Mounds of Cash
- Abbazabillion dollars
- Peppermint Pennies
- Kit Ka$h
- Rolo Quarters
- Jujudimes
- Snickels
Survey Results Released
In a recent study of humor, Berkeley researchers found that the average American would describe the Holocaust’s comedic value as “not all that funny.”
“Six million is a whole lotta Jews,” remarked study organizer Isaac Browne.
Other phenomena that earned … Read More
Raleigh’s Introduces New Theme Night
After losing business every night of the week to other Southside bars that offer cheap drinks in large quantities to college students, self-described “American Pub and Grill,” Raleigh’s, has announced their new binge-drinking theme night, “Come Drink a lot at … Read More
Second Oldest American Just Wants to Die Already
113-year old John McMorran lives a quiet life, having long since lost the powers of sight and hearing, as well as being bedridden since the age of 100. McMorran spends his days in a world of unfathomable boredom, except for … Read More
The Further Adventures of Turbo-Teen
A lot of people think it would be cool to be able to change into a sports car whenever they get hot, and back into a human whenever they get cold, but I’m here to tell you, it’s no picnic. … Read More
Words from the Top
Thongs: Wrong!
Ladies: it’s enough with the thongs already. Time was, thongs were a magical fantasy garment that existed only in the realm of the imagination–the underwear so buttock-revealing that it could scarcely be considered clothing at all. Just a few years … Read More
