- Eureka!
- Geez woman, have you ever heard of a bikini wax?
- Is this where the stork’s supposed to land?
- Are you aroused? It’s okay, you can tell me.
- I’ve never seen that color before.
- It appears that you have pneumonia.
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten People We Wished Taught Classes at Cal
- Cicero (and his Troupe of Gyrating Choir Boys)
- Jimmy the Dancing Chimp
- Tony Danza
- Hitler
- Mr. Non-Sequitur
- Gandhi
- Marie Curie (’cause she’s hot)
- Santa Claus
- Stalin
- Jon Stewart
Top Ten Reasons to Screw in a Light Bulb
- The old bulb burnt out.
- You don’t want to piss on the floor.
- You’re in the segregated south.
- Houseboy!
- You’re an ethnic minority and/or holder of an unpopular job description.
- You’re tired of masturbating.
- You’re Thomas Edison and think you’re
Top Ten Things People Find At Cal
- The clitoris.
- A distaste for razors.
- Ralph Fiennes.
- Donner Lab (by the time they’re a senior).
- The missing link.
- Knowledge of what to wear when it’s raining.
- Hate for the views of others.
- A crappy apartment.
- Their high school friends
My Adventure at Berkeley Bowl!
Believe it or not, some cities in this country aren’t as conducive to veganism and politically left-leaning ideals as our great town. Amazingly, in some cities white middle class youth waste their lives going to ovrepriced universities in preparation for … Read More
Guitar Solo Fades Out
The guitar solo on the pop-reggae classic “No Woman No Cry (Live),” as it appears on the 1984 Polygram release “Legend: The Best of Bob Marley & the Wailers,” fades out as the track ends, sources reported Tuesday.
The solo, … Read More
My First Time
The first time I pooped myself, I was 6 hours old. At least that sounds about right. I’m pretty sure that when it happened, it got on both my butt-cheeks and needless to say was a disturbing mess for my … Read More
My Date with Ola Ray
My ’63 Convertible slowed to a stop in the eerie woods. There were no streetlights or signs of civilization for miles. You think I was scared? HA! Not with my date in the passenger seat. That night, I wore balls.… Read More
Overused Name Becomes Worn Out
Despite repeatedly informing new aquaintences that “Frank is my name. Don’t wear it out” the name belonging to the UC student formerly known as Frank Galvan has deteriorated to a point where it can no longer be used. Undue wear … Read More
A Swashbuckling Scene from the High Seas
It is the briny deck of the buccaneer galleon, “The Blackart.” The dread Jolly Roger is flying atop the mizzenmast. In the background can be seen the swells of the treacherous deep. A rowboat approaches the vessel and its lone … Read More
