It is the briny deck of the buccaneer galleon, “The Blackart.” The dread Jolly Roger is flying atop the mizzenmast. In the background can be seen the swells of the treacherous deep. A rowboat approaches the vessel and its lone … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Overused Name Becomes Worn Out
Despite repeatedly informing new aquaintences that “Frank is my name. Don’t wear it out” the name belonging to the UC student formerly known as Frank Galvan has deteriorated to a point where it can no longer be used. Undue wear … Read More
Top Ten Things to Do With Five Minutes Left
- Win a gold medal in the 800 meters at the Special Olympics.
- Complete an unsatisfying ab workout.
- Wait patiently for the supervillain to explain his detailed plan.
- Cut the black wire … No, the yellow wire!
- Be a dick and
My Adventure at Berkeley Bowl!
Believe it or not, some cities in this country aren’t as conducive to veganism and politically left-leaning ideals as our great town. Amazingly, in some cities white middle class youth waste their lives going to ovrepriced universities in preparation for … Read More
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Gynecologist
- Eureka!
- Geez woman, have you ever heard of a bikini wax?
- Is this where the stork’s supposed to land?
- Are you aroused? It’s okay, you can tell me.
- I’ve never seen that color before.
- It appears that you have pneumonia.
THE ALPHA MALE!!
Part man, Part lion, and a 100% pure man-lion
Pssst.. Hey loser! I’m talking to you. Yeah, you with the eyebrows and teeth. Let me ask you a question. Do you want to get all the Ladies? Do you want to be that guy who makes out with a … Read More
Guitar Solo Fades Out
The guitar solo on the pop-reggae classic “No Woman No Cry (Live),” as it appears on the 1984 Polygram release “Legend: The Best of Bob Marley & the Wailers,” fades out as the track ends, sources reported Tuesday.
The solo, … Read More
My First Time
The first time I pooped myself, I was 6 hours old. At least that sounds about right. I’m pretty sure that when it happened, it got on both my butt-cheeks and needless to say was a disturbing mess for my … Read More
Top Ten Things a Frat Boy Would Do With a Time Machine
- Wish for more wishes.
- Break up time machine into small parts; paddle each other with the remnants.
- Go back to that day that everybody got totally hammered and gotthe goat on the roof and then we played foosball until Chad
My Date with Ola Ray
My ’63 Convertible slowed to a stop in the eerie woods. There were no streetlights or signs of civilization for miles. You think I was scared? HA! Not with my date in the passenger seat. That night, I wore balls.… Read More
