Last Saturday, Vanity Fair magazine held a fashion show featuring the latest styles for spring. Several stars flocked to the occasion, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Donatella Versace, Britney Spears, and all those other people whose names are always in bold in … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Reasons to Screw in a Light Bulb
- The old bulb burnt out.
- You don’t want to piss on the floor.
- You’re in the segregated south.
- Houseboy!
- You’re an ethnic minority and/or holder of an unpopular job description.
- You’re tired of masturbating.
- You’re Thomas Edison and think you’re
Top Ten Things People Find At Cal
- The clitoris.
- A distaste for razors.
- Ralph Fiennes.
- Donner Lab (by the time they’re a senior).
- The missing link.
- Knowledge of what to wear when it’s raining.
- Hate for the views of others.
- A crappy apartment.
- Their high school friends
Top Ten People We Wished Taught Classes at Cal
- Cicero (and his Troupe of Gyrating Choir Boys)
- Jimmy the Dancing Chimp
- Tony Danza
- Hitler
- Mr. Non-Sequitur
- Gandhi
- Marie Curie (’cause she’s hot)
- Santa Claus
- Stalin
- Jon Stewart
Top Ten Things a Frat Boy Would Do With a Time Machine
- Wish for more wishes.
- Break up time machine into small parts; paddle each other with the remnants.
- Go back to that day that everybody got totally hammered and gotthe goat on the roof and then we played foosball until Chad
My Adventure at Berkeley Bowl!
Believe it or not, some cities in this country aren’t as conducive to veganism and politically left-leaning ideals as our great town. Amazingly, in some cities white middle class youth waste their lives going to ovrepriced universities in preparation for … Read More
Top Ten Reasons to Get Naked
- You’re a terrier and dogs look stupid wearing clothes.
- Because that shit is hot.
- It’s a parade, and you’re showing off your new set of clothes to all yoursubjects.
- How else is anyone going to see your cock ring?
- Do
Top Ten Replacements for Rock, Paper, Scissors
- Trial by jury.
- Christmas, Hanukkah, Commercialism
- Growing up, you dorks.
- A unitary autocratic dictatorship.
- Embryo, fetus, baby
- Chicken, egg, chicken, no wait….
- Christian, Jew, Muslim
- Mossimo, Stussy, No Fear
- White, Black, Asian
- Russian roulette.
Top Ten Terrorist Pick-up Lines
- How ’bout I go and invade your Gaza Strip, baby?
- Don’t let the terrorists win has always been my motto, but If you let me buy you a drink, we will all be winning!
- I just have to say that
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear From Your Gynecologist
- Eureka!
- Geez woman, have you ever heard of a bikini wax?
- Is this where the stork’s supposed to land?
- Are you aroused? It’s okay, you can tell me.
- I’ve never seen that color before.
- It appears that you have pneumonia.
