- Flyerers unfazed when you call them “Satan.”
- Students are all brimstoned.
- Homeless speak in tongues.
- Christian Fellowships try to get you off campus.
- Horny GSI’s.
- Dark passages that extend deep underground.
- Hellishly overprice textbooks.
- Pale, nocturnal creatures sometimes emerge from
Author Archives: The Squelch
Rescued Chilean Miners Can Finally Return to Poverty
This weekend, after ten weeks trapped underground, 33 Chilean miners were finally brought back to the surface, and to the crushing destitution of being a Chilean miner.
“It was the longest vacation of my adult life,” said Victor Gómez, one … Read More
Berkeley Scientists Successfully Synthesize Nothing
In a press conference last Tuesday, scientists from the Yu-Kavinsky Research Group at UC Berkeley announced that they have successfully created nothing. The research lasted six years and required several million dollars of university funds.
“This is a major breakthrough … Read More
Top Ten Sequels to Sex Drive, the movie where this guy has to go on a long drive so this chick with do him
- Sex God, where this King of the Gods has to turn into a swan so this chick will do him
- Sex Bomb, where this guy has to build an IED so these 72 virgins will do him
- Sex Pistols, where
UN Responds to Midlife Crisis
A United Nations humanitarian mission has been deployed to rescue the psyche of Berkeley resident Jim Larsen, after a Saturday midlife crisis devastated his sense of self-worth. The disaster, triggered by a long, hard look in the mirror, has caused … Read More
Dr. Grimm’s Fairy Tale Relationship Counseling
Cinderella
Prince Squarejaw: I was very clear about my proclivities when we first met. I don’t know why this is suddenly a problem.
Cinderella: I’m willing to indulge his little quirks every now and then, but maybe we don’t have … Read More
Top Ten Ways for a Billionaire to Die
- Skull implodes from sheer vacuity
- Mentioned who his will was made out to
- Sudden caviar allergy
- Grief at losing beloved sled
- Trampled by prize ponies
- Not very good at most dangerous game
- Solid gold boat not so buoyant in practice
Words from the Top
Introducing Squelchy: The Squelch Mascot!
The Squelch has long been in a need of an official mascot. Like most student organizations, we need a logo to put on all the obnoxious shirts we make everyone wear. Plus, distribution is a lot easier when people see … Read More
Top Ten Video Games About Retirement
- Swing Band
- Final Hours Fantasy
- Sonic the Couch-hog
- A Living Link To The Past
- Parappa the Washup
- Dr. Mario, Emeritus
- Yoshi’s Life Story
- Donkey Kong Country Club
- Matroid Way Past Prime
- Star Fox, 64
Statue of Liberty Aggressively Remodeled to Reflect Modern American Values
WASHINGTON–The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill late last Tuesday that provides 1.3 million dollars towards a renovation of the Statue of Liberty. Reconstruction will center around replacing the iconic tablet held in the statue’s left hand with a … Read More
