WASHINGTON–The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill late last Tuesday that provides 1.3 million dollars towards a renovation of the Statue of Liberty. Reconstruction will center around replacing the iconic tablet held in the statue’s left hand with a … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top One Articles of Clothing Made Out of Accessories Inspired by Founding Principles of our Union
- Purse-Suit of happieness
Top Ten Animals with Jobs
- Crabbi
- Yaktress
- Mailmanatee
- Porn Starfish
- Buddhist Monkey
- Piano Tuna
- Para-eagle
- Claims Adjusturtle
- Scienticks
- Astronautilus
Top Ten Sequels to Sex Drive, the movie where this guy has to go on a long drive so this chick with do him
- Sex God, where this King of the Gods has to turn into a swan so this chick will do him
- Sex Bomb, where this guy has to build an IED so these 72 virgins will do him
- Sex Pistols, where
UN Responds to Midlife Crisis
A United Nations humanitarian mission has been deployed to rescue the psyche of Berkeley resident Jim Larsen, after a Saturday midlife crisis devastated his sense of self-worth. The disaster, triggered by a long, hard look in the mirror, has caused … Read More
Top Ten Ways for a Billionaire to Die
- Skull implodes from sheer vacuity
- Mentioned who his will was made out to
- Sudden caviar allergy
- Grief at losing beloved sled
- Trampled by prize ponies
- Not very good at most dangerous game
- Solid gold boat not so buoyant in practice
Berkeley Scientists Successfully Synthesize Nothing
In a press conference last Tuesday, scientists from the Yu-Kavinsky Research Group at UC Berkeley announced that they have successfully created nothing. The research lasted six years and required several million dollars of university funds.
“This is a major breakthrough … Read More
Whitman Concedes After Learning Mexicans Can Vote
A bewildered-looking Meg Whitman resigned from the gubernatorial race on Monday, citing her recent discovery that Latin-Americans constitute more than a third of the state’s eligible voters. Whitman had expected to handily carry the white vote, ignoring the presence of … Read More
Existential Teen Comedies
American Pie presents: No Exit
Three high school seniors made a pledge to lose their virginity before the end of their senior year. The only problem? The boys are locked in a hotel room that will be their private hell … Read More
A Guide to College Drinking
Many people drink in college, but few are true connoisseurs. Lucky for you, however, the entire staff of the Heuristic Squelch belongs to the alcoholic elité. Allow us to break down a few of the finer points of collegiate beverages.… Read More
