Last Tuesday, Pleasanton, California resident Matthew Smith, though a self-professed normal and even mediocre guy, discovered true love, which sci-entists had previously claimed was impossible. “It was easy,” he claimed. “It was right next to the Loch Ness Monster and … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Five Jeopardy Answers in Which the Question is “Who is Jesus?”
- [incredulously] Who is Jesus!?
- Only this man can save you now.
- H. Christ.
- He came from Galilee.
- The grandson of Joachim and Anne.
Top Ten Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Borg
- He’s really a square. I mean cube. I mean a Borg cube. He’s a Borg cube.
- Smart, well paid, and really (la)CUTE(is)
- House is immaculate, clean, organized, and can sustain speeds of warp 9.98 for up to 50 earth hours
Top Ten Things Found by Lewis & Clark (while Dreaming)
- Thomas Jefferson’s evil plot to tip all the cows
- A job! (Those hippy slackers)
- That bartering sucks
- Lewis held captive by Lex Luther; Clark changes quickly in a phone booth, saves Lewis.
- Elvis, Osama, the Missing Link, and Sasquatch, all
Top Ten Greenest Things in the World. Ever
- Blue and Yellow mixed together, smartass
- Your mom’s crotch. Seriously, she should get that checked.
- Green Lantern, jealous
- A gangrenous leprechaun
- I’m serious, have you tried this Palmolive?
- Green Apple Palmolive. It smells as good as it looks. It’s incredible.
Top Ten Best Things that can Fit in an Egg
- Friendly Yolkels
- 73% of your RDA of cholesterol
- My hatred for those Jesus murderers who couldn’t appreciate Easter if you lit it on fire and stuck it in a menorah
- Fucking three yolks! I swear man, this one time. It
Top Ten Campus Myths Spread by CalSO
- Christmas is really about the birth of Oski
- Junior starring Arnold Schwarzenegger was filmed on this very campus, the most successful movie in the history of the worldz
- City of Berkeley once populated by lazy blacks and Latinos with low
Top Ten New Features for Sather Gate
- Glory Hole
- Free makeover courtesy of the producers of the Ricki Lake Show!
- Lets you go both ways now
- Gondola ride to the top of Campanile
- Laughs heartily whenever someone calls Sproul the “Home of Free Speech”
- Moves around so
Oh, Those Alienated Teenagers!
_Fact of life: we all went through our sullen, withdrawn phases sometime in our teenage years. Some may deny it, but they will only turn out to be bitter alcoholics that quietly seethe about marrying young and taking a job … Read More
Blood for Oil Program a Success
Red Cross officials are praising their new program to refund blood donors for transporation costs. Started six months ago, the “Blood for Oil” program lets Red Cross officials pay to fill up the gas tanks of donors who contribute every … Read More