According to the White House, President Bush conceded that the recent anti-war protests were powerful enough for him to surrender his power as president to mob rule.
“The President has decided to relinquish the power of the executive branch of … Read More
It’s 2024. My rebellious son Seamus O’Murphy Padrick-Keane wants to borrow the space-car, but he’s been grounded for breaking space-curfew. When I refuse to give him the keys, Seamus wallops me over the head with an empty bottle of space-whiskey. … Read More
A group of workers picketed the Port of Oakland today to protest organized labor. The workers, fed up with the special treatment given to Union members, joined together in a self-proclaimed “show of solidarity” and let loose cries of “United … Read More
Last week, after a bitter defeat to the University of Arizona’s number one bas-ketball team, UC Berkeley’s star forward/center was seen at Kingpin Donuts eating apple fritters.
According to witnesses, Tamir consumed eight of the delicious pastries consectutively without so … Read More
In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about … Read More
_Fact of life: we all went through our sullen, withdrawn phases sometime in our teenage years. Some may deny it, but they will only turn out to be bitter alcoholics that quietly seethe about marrying young and taking a job … Read More
Greetings fellow young adults! Many of you are like myself, holding down a part-time office job in order to finance your necessary collegiate expenditures. Whether they be fees and housing or booze and hookers, having a well-paying part-time job makes … Read More
Art history degree holder Stephen “Stevie” Wilson put his degree to good use this weekend when he jury-rigged it for use as a dust pan.
“These Oreo crumbs spilled every-where and Julie’s been hassling me about being such a slob,” … Read More
Red Cross officials are praising their new program to refund blood donors for transporation costs. Started six months ago, the “Blood for Oil” program lets Red Cross officials pay to fill up the gas tanks of donors who contribute every … Read More
While the Squelch is known for it’s off-kilter slightly irregular comedy, I’d like to take this chance to inform Berkeley and the public at large of one fundamental fact: I am a great boyfriend.
Sometimes I’ll be walking around town … Read More
