Four years ago I defeated Republican candidate Bush in a hard-fought contest of my imagination. A battle that sharply divided America was decided only when thousands of uncounted “me” votes magically appeared in a warehouse in Pahokee, Florida. Since then … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Seven Episodes of the FCC
Episode One
Secretary: Mr. Powell?
FCC Chairman Michael Powell: Yes?
Secretary: Your father’s on the line.
Powell: And?
Secretary: He doesn’t love you.
Episode Two
Secretary: Mr. Powell?
Powell: Yes?
Secretary: I’m pregnant.
Powell: You told me you were on … Read More
I’m an Asshole and I Have a Time Machine
Yeah, that’s right: I’m a jerk. That’s why I hired a scientist to build me a time machine. What? That doesn’t make sense? Well neither does your face. Two points!
So now that I have the powers of the universe … Read More
Top Ten Signs Your Leather Slave Might Be Gay
- Wears a lot of turtlenecks
- Enjoys “musical theatre,” insofar as “musical theatre” is “being homosexually dominated”
- Insists on scented candles when dripping hot wax onto his groin
- Sports leather platform boots when attending ’70s-themed parties, when not attending ’70s-themed parties
Not a Single Laptop Being Used to Take Notes
A recent campus-wide study has revealed that not a single laptop is currently being used to take notes in class.
The leading uses reported for laptops were playing card games, Minesweeper, that one pinball game, and surfing the Internet. “Anyone … Read More
Comcast Gives Back for Not Giving
Today Comcast announced its first annual public luncheon to give back to the community for paying exorbitant amounts of money while rolling the dice on whether or not to actually provide service to thousands of customers. Said service technician Johnny … Read More
Top Five Most Popular Baby Names Given by Retarded Parents
- Madison, the most retarded name of all
- Skee-Ball
- Mrs. Carlson, or whatever the name of their social worker is
- Disneyland
- Graham Crackers
Top Ten Lesser-known Aphorisms of Benjamin Franklin
Words from the Top
Leonard Nimoy Was Right
Who hasn’t whiled away hours sitting in front of expanded basic cable, skipping midday classes in favor of Kids in the Hall reruns or that episode of Mythbusters that you’ve seen five times already this week. Nevermind that it’s still … Read More
If Everything in Life Were Like Buying Weed
Trying On Shoes
Me: Hey, do you have these in nine and a half? Salesman: Sure, I’ll go get them. But it’ll take about twenty minutes.
Me: What? All you have to do is go back to that little room … Read More
