As the race for the Democratic presidential nomination nears its end, frontrunner John Kerry continues to vie for the largest percentage of voting delegates come August. Not to be outdone, however, is Dennis Kucinich, who treated all of his eight … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Mel Gibson Probably Anti-Semitic
With the success of his latest hit, The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson is already working on a new religious thriller entitled Jews Murdered Jesus.
“While The Passion was quite an undertaking, I still feel like I need to … Read More
Bookstore Charged with Obscenity
Citing hundreds of complaints since the start of the school year, Berkeley police filed formal obscenity charges over the weekend against prominent student bookstore Ned’s.
“I’ve been getting my books at Ned’s since I was a freshman, and I say … Read More
Top Ten Things Overheard on Cable Action Shows
Berdahl Announces New Classroom Renovation Plans
With only weeks remaining in his term, Chancellor Berdahl has announced new renovation plans in a desperate attempt to leave some sort of mark on the campus. Mulford Hall will be renovated and renamed “Berdahl Hall,” as well as moved … Read More
Stopping the Robots
America may have turned its fleeting national attention span to the weather and national broadcasting standards, but the disturbing growth in robot intelligence marches ever forward. Every day the gleam in an AIBO’s eye is a little bit brighter. Every … Read More
Super (Pretentious) Political Science Man!
Excuse me, sir. I know you feel your purchase of a carbonated soft drink is important, but you need to step aside. I’m a hurried political scientist, and I’m coming through.
No, sir, I will not go fuck myself. I’m … Read More
The Last Great Race
Think you have what it takes to mush in the Iditarod? Do you like reading lists? Here are the rules:
Each competitor should be equipped with no more than sixteen sled dogs, preferably Siberian huskies. Siberian huskies are unique dogs … Read More
Famous Actor Vanishes
Several witnesses claim that formerly ubiquitous child actor Haley Joel Osment disappeared into a thick haze that settled down around his West Los Angeles home on Wednesday. While eyewitness accounts are still unclear, some speculate that this reported haze was, … Read More
Top Ten Bumper Stickers of the Future
- My fetus is an honor student at
prenatal academy - Free China, Stop Tibet
- Keep your nanomachines out of
my Uterus! - We’re here, we’re queer, we’re 50% of the US Population
- Stop the Dolphins
- Save the Whale
- US out of Eurochinaustralia
