- Good Friday just Casual Friday
- Really confusing as to who Gandalf symbolizes
- Science gets a tally in the “win” column
- It’s just “The Testament” now
- WWJD commonly understood as “Who Wants Jack Daniels?”; provides little moral direction
- If you’re Jewish,
Author Archives: The Squelch
Suicide Dog!
The Dog That Wants to Die
Something tells me my dog wants to kill himself. Recently his behavior has been getting worse and worse.
I got home one day and he had slit his doggie wrists. “Bad dog!” I yelled at him. “It’s down the road, … Read More
William Hung’s Fifteen Minutes Up
Berkeley student, singer, and professional hip gyrator William Hung’s fifteen minutes are officially up. The announcement came from Professor Serena Chen during a Social Psychology midterm on April 5th. At 11:45 am, Prof. Chen announced, “You have fifteen minutes remaining.” … Read More
Child Abuse for the New Millennium
Let’s face facts: Children today are dumb, ugly, and fat. Some blame television, single parents, or fast food, but the real reason is much simpler: we can’t beat our children anymore. Sure, you want to lay into little Junior with … Read More
Top Five Soft Drink Sponsored Pickup Lines
- Hey, can I mug your jugs while we enjoy jugs of Mug?
- Damn girl, you got value. Just like Safeway Select cola.
- You’ve got me so hot that I’ve got to call a doctor. And that doctor is Dr. Pepper…
Top Five Pornographic Birds
- Totally Shaved Eagle
- Cummingbird
- Barely Legal Fledglings
- Uncircumcised Cockatoo
- Black-and-larger-than-average-bird
Top Ten Signs You’re in a Bad Ninja School
- Newsweek ranked it #153 based on AP “Silently Assassinating Lord Toranaga of the Ponzu Province” Scores
- Teachers predominantly Dutch
- Chuck Norris gives commencement speech EVERY YEAR
- Professor of Stealth: Jimmy Cymbal-Shoes
- Other ninja schools consider you a ninja party school
Top Ten Tobacco Products Marketed Toward Children
- Licorice Ropenhagen
- Good n’ Plenty n’ Benson n’ Hedges
- Mr. Goodbarliament
- Kohibaz 4 Kidz
- Uncle Colonel’s Old Timey Smooth Carolina Tobaffy: the Tobacco-Taffy
- Lucky Strike n’ Ikes
- Merit Badges
- Skoal-Aid
- Virjunior Slim-mints
- Caramelboro
Top Ten Other Obstacles Like the Glass Ceiling
- Men More Capable
- Unwillingness to Put Nose to the Grindstone… of semen
- Unwillingness to Get Feet Wet… with semen
- Chutes & Ladders… but mostly just chutes
- Giant Rotating Fan Blade
- Greasy Wall
- Out-of-Fuel Jet Pack
- Hard to Walk in Heels
The Several Lost Diaries of Kaiser Wilhelm II
King of Prussia and Emperor of the Federated German States
January 19, 1871
Grandpa Wilhelm was crowned Emperor yesterday. I’ve spent the last fourteen hours crossing “Prussia” off his royal letterhead and replacing it with “Germany.” He told me it builds character. Unified German character.
November 18, 1890
After firing … Read More
