- Extremely mild leukemia
- Spooning a bear
- Dehydration from relentless oral sex
- Metaphorically
- Being shot in a Brookstone massage chair
- Eaten by toothless dinosaur
- Choking on feathers
- A car accident, while reclining and drinking a non-poisonous beer
- Drinking a poisonous beer
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Eight Election-themed Gay Porno Movies
- A Brazilian Lacrosse Team Jacks Off on Lyndon LaRouche’s Face
- Moderated Masturdebates: The 90-second Rebuttal
- Cock the Vote
- Teabagging the Carpetbagger: A Night with Alan Keyes
- Big Swinging Caucuses
- Only Bob Dole’s Right Arm Is Limp
- The Erectoral College
- Hung
Man Wasting His Life by Enjoying It
Sources close to Berkeley resident Daniel Arnette report that the 24-year-old percussionist and freelance graphic designer is throwing his life away by habitually seeking happiness and fulfillment from his waking hours.
“Just last week, Daniel was telling me that he … Read More
Top Five Song Lyrics Rejected by Johnny Cash for Not Being Tough Enough
- “My daddy left home when I was three / He came back home later that day, but still”
- “Because you’re mine / I walk across the street when instructed by the sign”
- “Daddy sang bass / Other daddy sang tenor”
Top Ten Lesbian Candies
- BeTwix’t Her Legs
- 3 Muskydikes
- 5th Avenue…Where Two Women Are Currently Eating Each Other’s Vaginas
- Snickers from Normal People
- Ani DiFranco Acoustic Guitar Symphony Bar
- O Henrietta!
- Skor (with Women)
- Mounds
- Klit Kat
- Butchy Ruth
Top Ten Second-rate Magic Tricks
- The Magic of Reading
- Contracting HIV but maintaining a high T-cell count
- Removing grape juice from a carpet with Oxy-Clean
- Turning a half-full glass of water into a half-empty glass of water
- Levitating a Hovercraft
- Reading your own mind
- Unzipping
Top Ten Misogynistic Rock Songs
- You Are the Walrus
- [Four minutes of Ike Turner rambling incoherently]
- Roxanne (or Whatever Your Name Was)
- Don’t Fear the Reaper, Fear Your Husband
- D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T
- Baby, You Can’t Drive My Car (No, Really, You Can’t)
- Black Eye of the Tiger
Top Five Reasons Old Yeller Had to Die
- You just killed the Yearling; didn’t want to dig two holes
- For your sins
- To prevent a sequel
- Sudden appearance of New Yeller
- Knew too much
The Real Wonder Years
Ah, the Wonder Years. That special time in a boy’s life from 8 to 8:30 on ABC’s Wednesday night lineup. Sadly, the show deeply misled the youth of America by making us think that during any conversation or event in … Read More
Scenes from <i>Stand and Deliver</i> If It Took Place in an Upper-middle-class High School in the San Fernando Valley
The Principal
Jaime Escalante: Principal Richman, I look forward to teaching these kids. They come from nothing, and no one believes in them, but I can get through to them. I’ll show them that calculGAA
Principal: Wait a second, you’re … Read More
