- “I’m gonna make sure that your bat mitzvah is one to remember.”
- “Do you like bondage? By the way, I’m a rabbi.”
- “I like my pussy like I like my matzo: free of yeast.”
- “I’d take you to Palestine for
Author Archives: The Squelch
Closeted Student Plots Homoerotic Shaming
Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.
Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing … Read More
Dog Analogous to Capitalism
Local dog Fido Proletariat achieved the dream of dogs and men alike yesterday, managing to catch his own tail for the first time after years of effort. Upon initially biting the tail, Fido growled with intense satisfaction and ground the … Read More
Veteran Weeps Uncontrollably
The fragile remains of local auto mechanic and Vietnam veteran Jacob Renwood’s feeble grasp on reality disintegrated Thursday night during a commercial for a Vietnam-themed video game. “It brought me back,” sobbed Renwood, lamenting his lost youth, “you know, to … Read More
Jim Caviezel Asks for It
According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is … Read More
Squelch Endorsements of the Future
After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda … Read More
The Seminal Works of Dr. Seuss
Most people think of Dr. Seuss as the lovable children’s author. Because of this, we’ve put together a collection of his most famous works and annotated them with informative notes writen by scholars named me. Also included in this exclusive … Read More
Top Five Aliases Used by Candies While Traveling Abroad
- Margarinefinger
- Michael and Ike
- Mars (the Roman God, Not the Candy)
- Whatchamacallit Smith
- Pseud&M’s
Sports for the Deadbeat Dad
Studies have shown and sitcoms agree that the most important thing a father can do is pressure his children to play sports. But what if you don’t have time for that shit?
72% GAA forging McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces
21% … Read More
Words from the Top
An Above Average Guy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at receiving blowjobs. I mean that in the sense that if we were both getting blowjobs, I’d not only win, I’d embarrass you in the process. I’ve always had special talents … Read More
