- Mardi Gras
- Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?
- Be all you can be
- Ask your parole officer for advice
- Based itinerary on Oscar-nominated films; only saw Hotel Rwanda
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Things Sadder than Playing World of Warcraft
- Being the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Pretending to be the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Working for the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Playing World of Warcraft with the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Knowing that the name of
The Windian Beneath My Wings
Hello, my name is Mitchell Scott Rodricks, and I’m a Windian.
Now I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “Well what the heck is a Windian and how can I get him to have sex with me?” A Windian is a … Read More
Pre-Jection
In this fast-paced internet-based fiber-optic African-swallow age of ours where time is money and money some sort of meta-time, we’re just too busy for standard courtship whether in romance, finance, or metallurgy. We need answers and we need them before … Read More
Sherlock Holmes Meets CSI!
Crime Scene #1:
Double Homicide, Kitchen
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, hmmm, yes.
[Holmes paces up and down the dingy room excitedly, pausing briefly every few minutes to examine a loose screw or the victims’ shoes.]
Detective Brass: His wife … Read More
“Finally! A Beer For My Active Lifestyle!”
Picture this: You’re casually practicing volleyball at a Malibu beach court with your handsome heterosexual best friend, Chet, discussing the subjects that every straight man thinks about: girls, highlighter shorts, the proper form for a leg press, watching football, and … Read More
Top Five Things Chewbacca has Mistaken for a Female Wookie and Had Sex With
- A male wookie
- Robin Williams
- Three ewoks standing on each other’s shoulders
- Shag carpeting
- A throw rug
Zagat Survey 2005
Drug Dealers
LC
Palazzo Apartments, #205. El Cerrito
Satisfied regulars describe LC’s weed as “dank” and “where are my keys.” Service is “butt-slow,” however; calling an hour ahead is recommended “so he can wake up and answer the door.” Also, closed from … Read More
Top Ten Signs your Boyfriend is a Zombie
- Cheated on you with your sister … who’s been dead for 15 years
- Spices up sex with strawberries, syrup, and cow brains
- id software keeps asking him to come in for some motion-capture sessions
- Picnic in cemetery on first date,
Everything Dave Matthews Does Now Annoying
In a paper published in the scientific journal Nature, behavioral scientists at Duke University have concluded that Dave Matthews is annoying in every conceivable way, up to and including his breathing. It was catalogued as “labored” and “having a … Read More
