On Tuesday, scientists at Lawrence Berkeley Labs disproved the popular preexisting theory that everbody poops. The discovery was made after scientists spent two years observing test subject Ken Johnson. Johnson, a 20-year-old male from El Cerrito, has yet to poop. … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Words From the Top
Berkeley Speaks Out
“There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can’t take part; you can’t even passively take part, and you’ve got to put your bodies upon the gears … Read More
Justice League Cybersex
UnderTheSea : Hot4Tuna69 – Instant Message
Hot4Tuna69: hi ๐
UndrTheSea: Hi! a/s/l?
Hot4Tuna69: 18/f/metropolis ๐ u?
UndrTheSea: Um, kind of complicated, but I’m a young guy in Metropolis too! Have a pic?
Hot4Tuna69: sure here u go ๐
UndrTheSea: Holy … Read More
Interview of the Week
Today we’re blessed to be interviewing two very gifted sports writers here about the Cal football team’s recent struggles.
First we have local CBS 5 Sports Director and host of The Last Honest Sports Show Dennis O’Donnell. Also present is … Read More
Viewership Soars as Baseball Reveals Bold Plan
Reeling from record-low World Series ratings, baseball commissioner Bud Selig yesterday unveiled a new marketing strategy to revitalize interest in the sport. Baseball will be disbanded.
Speaking at a news conference, Selig explained, “In lieu of playing a full season, … Read More
Being a Rich Student Isn’t all that Easy
College students are poor…unless you’re me, then you’re really fucking rich. As a student, I too have to deal with problems, but I cope with them in a different, much wealthier way.
Purchasing Textbooks
You: I stayed up all last … Read More
KJNK 104.2 FM
For Junkies, By Junkies
The Morning Show, with hosts Johnny Five and the Crazy Horse
Host: Hey, welcome to the morning show. Time right now is 6:32 pm.
Crazy Horse: They call me the Crazy Horse because I’m crazy about… wait, what?
Host: [… Read More
MONEY: Argentina Discontinues Use of Kitten Currency
In a 26-14 decision Thursday, Parliament voted to discontinue the use of kittens as currency in the financially-ravaged South American nation of Argentina.
Said spokesman Nicholas Garcia-Sege, “They don’t fit into a standard wallet. Vendors have begun to sell wallets … Read More
Top Five Reasons to Furiously Beat Off
- Laser Penis
- Want to time it so you cum right when Emeril says Bam!
- TrimSpa commercial only 30 seconds long
- You’re fourteen years old and x, where x is anything
- Because you sure as hell don’t want to eat that
Top Ten Signs Your Head is Going to Explode
- Fuck Ayoob
- Mr. Potato Head, in microwave
- Fuck Ayoob
- Fuck Ayoob
- Fuck Ayoob
- Fuck Ayoob
- Fuck Ayoob
- Author of all those scanner movies and it’s irony day
- Forgot to chew gum while plane was taking off
- Neck timer nearing zero