The Founders
[Two 5’8″ men stand in the middle of a burned down tire shop, deed in hand]
Sydney : So. Japanese Pop Art meets Sicilian Renaissance with unisex bathrooms?
Viktor : Obvi. Marble from Florence, glass from … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Seinfeld Meets 24
[Jerry and George exit the CTU locker room]
Jerry : Sweatpants? You’re wearing sweatpants to a bomb defusing?
George : What, there’s something wrong with sweatpants?
Jerry : No, not at all, assuming you’re New Jersey SWAT.
George… Read More
The Unchosen People
Those of the Jewish faith refer to themselves as the Chosen People. This is wrong. God never picked anyone as Chosen, and only through a series of hilarious mix-ups did the Jews ever come to this incorrect conclusion.
****** … Read More
Step into my office…
Don’t have a seat, Eric. I’ll get right to the point.
I built this company with my bare hands. I woke up at four AM for 60 years and never once took a vacation. Now I admit, I didn’t come … Read More
Animal Love
What follows are transcripts of conversations between Earth’s creatures about the ups and downs of their love lives, collected through extensive field work and less extensive peyote use.
_Two male lions kick back after a long, hard day of waiting … Read More
Is Your Man a STUD, a DUD, or a CROCODILE?!
- Which of these best describes your man’s look:
a. Fresh, stylish, and clean-cut.
b. Casual, scruffy, disheveled.
c. Easily mistaken for a floating log.
- What’s the most romantic thing he’s likely to do:
a. Send you a love note just … Read More
Ebert & Roeper & Blind Guy – At the Movies
_Day 1 _
Ebert : Hello everyone, and welcome back to Ebert and Roeper at the movies. Due to some of my unfortunate statements regarding the Americans with Disabilities Act, the court has ordered someone new to join us. So … Read More
Porn Director License Test
CIRCLE OR STAIN THE CORRECT ANSWER YOU MUST PASS WITH AN 85% TO OBTAIN CLASS 1 LICENSE
Health & Safety Section (2 Questions)
- In the event someone on set is choking, you should:
… Read MoreA. Perform the Heimlich
B. Call 911
Five Hipsters: A Play in One Act
Begin Act I **
**Hipster No. 1 : [Entering room.] Hey guys, what’s up?
Hipster No. 2 : Hey man.
Hipster No. 3 : Sup.
Hipster No. 4 : Manao ahoana.
No. 2 : Malagasy? Nice. [They … Read More
Pie Most Venomous
It is a mighty testament to the flexibility of my character that I have agreed to publish in this sordid periodical, which is produced by a particularly degenerate cluster of Hebrews, sodomites, and sour-tongued atheists who imbibe spirits at a … Read More
